by Ben Brown Tuesday, March 18th, 2008  5 comments

Grain, Grain, Go Away

As if Iran wasn’t menacing enough with their secret nukes and scary beards, they’ve now got their hands on something that threatens the very core of American society. With this new weapon, they can strike us where it hurts the most (or at least makes us giggle): in our pudgy, carbohydrate-filled bellies. The U.N. News “Centre” reports:

A dangerous new fungus with the ability to destroy entire wheat fields has been detected in Iran, the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) reported today.

The wheat stem rust, whose spores are carried by wind across continents, was previously found in East Africa and Yemen and has moved to Iran, which said that laboratory tests have confirmed its presence in some localities in Broujerd and Hamedan in the country’s west.

And here, you thought the worst thing a fungus could do is make your feet smell bad.

It’s only a matter of time before Mahmoud Ahmadinejad weaponizes this mold. The wheat stem rust fungus will likely spread across the planet, emptying everyone’s breadbox along the way. This, combined with Panama Disease wiping out all of the bananas means that in the very near future, an Elvis-style peanut butter and ‘nana sandwich could be nothing but a pleasantly fattening fantasy.

Thankfully, those crafty Finns are already working on a soy banana called “soija bananni” that they promise will taste delicious AND be filled with isoflavones! Thank heaven for the soy bean, or else we’d be stuck eating nothing but… soy beans!

Tags: bananas, Famine, food, Pestilence, soy, soybeans, wheat

Filed under Famine, Pestilence.