August 8-14, 2008: Eclipse Edition
Eclipses – like chopsticks, crutches and bad relationships – always come in pairs.
You didn’t realize that about relationships, did you?
Last week, as the solar eclipse approached, we were all in a pretty foul mood: emotions ran reckless, relationship run-ins were rampant, wild fears fired up our imaginations and normally-reliable machinery sputtered to an irritating halt.
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And now for the next round of my roughly-month-by-month series in which I simultaneously describe and deride each zodiac sign in turn.
In our three previous installments, we met Aries, the bold and adventurous Viking warrior; Gemini, the charming-yet-snooping spy; and Taurus, who stays home from the war to decorate and fiddle with his wine pairings.
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Tags: Cancer, horoscope, zodiac
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Weekly Horoscope: July 25-31, 2008
The Sun moved into Leo this week, which means that once again I’ve managed to ignore the fact that an entire one-twelfth of you celebrated birthdays in the last month.
I’m now madly penning an eloquent ode to the Cancer archetype – which should make an appearance in the next few days – while I simultaneously prepare to subject all you Leos to the same royal neglect I’ve bestowed upon your Gemini and Cancer peers over the last eight weeks. And please, no observations about how my neglecting you might be a metaphor for my mothering style.
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July 12-18, 2008: Jupiter Retrograde Edition
This week, Jupiter (along with Uranus, Neptune and Pluto) obstinately persists in being retrograde – that is, appearing to move backwards in its orbit, causing its normally expansive and generous nature to go all Scrooge on us for a while. Specifically, until Monday, September 8.
More philosophical and patient astrologers than myself delight in suggesting that retrograde periods are times for inner reflection and greater understanding of the dynamics that typically operate under the radar of our lives. When things go haywire, we can see what assumptions we’ve been making, sift the wheat from the chaff and look ahead with clearer vision. We’re better, they say, for being thrown off-track, wiser for being forced to take stock and to know ourselves better.
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July 5-11, 2008
Posting weekly predictions a day ahead of usual so I can get to the store early tomorrow for my Very Special Watermelon. So be very, very careful not to let these forecasts control your life until at least Saturday. In the meantime, Happy Fourth of July!
Aries (March 21-April 20) First the bickering, then the negotiating. Then the watermelon.**
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If Aries is where you’re a Viking, and Taurus is the part of you fluffing pillows for the Vikings’ return, Gemini is totally your James Bond.*
Gemini is the friend who chats up everyone (including the help, the other help and the stripper) at your cocktail party – punctuating his lightning-quick stories with groan-worthy puns – yet pronounces “je ne sais quoi” with a certain, well, je ne sais quoi.
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June 28-July 4, 2008
Oddly — yet perhaps predictably — I noticed, after writing the Pisces forecast, that all 12 forecasts this week could be applied to a conga line situation as easily as they could apply to life in general. I leave that insight for your own private pondering and interpretation.
Also, a note regarding “Seriously”: You may have noticed that every once in a while, I tack the word “Seriously” onto the end of a prediction. That’s because I notice something in the stars that I think deserves more than a light joke or play on words. This week, the Seriously Counsel goes to Aries and Aquarius. Next week, it might be you.
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June 14-20, 2008
Aries (March 21-April 20) Forget the cell phones. You could pop popcorn just with your mind this week, dude.
Taurus (April 21-May 21) Best get off the casting couch before it gets all Freudian.
Gemini (May 22-June 22) You should think about starting a wind farm with all that eyelash-batting.
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June 7-13, 2008
… aaand she’s back. Apologies for the unintended and unannounced hiatus. Mercury went retrograde May 26 and it was all downhill from there. Or is the term “all uphill”?
Whatever the case, lots of non-astrologers know to flinch appropriately when the phrase “Mercury retrograde” is uttered, but they don’t really know why. Allow the ‘Oracle to lift your veil of ignorance.
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Erratic weather patterns in the City of Angels and the accelerating pace of crop circle formation worldwide are interfering with the normally laser-like accuracy of my exclusive Pandoracavision(TM) technology, rendering any and all astrological predictions wildly inaccurate for the next seven days. As a result, I have been advised to temporarily hand the reins to you, faithful lappers-up of my weekly dose of wise and circumspect counsel. Here’s how it works:
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