by kathy Wednesday, March 19th, 2008  10 comments

Welcome to Me!

So at the 2nd Ever Offsprung Show with the Hollow Trees in L.A. a few weeks ago, Neal Pollack spontaneously – and perhaps now regretfully – asked me if I’d like to write an astrology column for the site. I enthusiastically responded, “Sure!” and flashed my eager-puppy grin at him.

Then his face darkened, and he asked if I could be funny.

D’oh! I knew there was a catch.

Um, not really, I had to admit.

I mean, if you’ve ever read me, interacted with me or even, you know, briefly thought about me, you’re aware that I’m capable of making some of the most depressing statements conceivable to humans. Plus, my writing is pretty dense with conditional clauses, and that can be annoying as hell.

As you’d of course imagine, I wholeheartedly believe there is an astrological reason for this unfortunate streak in my otherwise finger-in-the-cheek, patent-leather Pollyanna personality: Saturn sits high atop my horoscope chart like a prissy schoolmarm ready to shush anyone who even appears to be thinking about having a good time.

But lucky for me, Saturn, which in ancient times was called (da-da-da-duuuummmmm) The Great Malefic, rules both depression and humor.*

To wit: Ever notice how some of our (arguably) best comedians – Woody Allen, Andy Kaufman– are also kinda cynical and depressing? So I figure I’ll twist my dark cloud into a lollipop day by taking a lesson from the greats. I’ll just repeatedly flog my normally morose outlook on life into something vaguely but acceptably funny. Okay?

Just please don’t tell me if I fail. I prefer the illusion of your courtesy titter to the abject humiliation of your embarrassed silence in response to my jokes.

Thanks, and please do your best to make me feel warmly welcomed!**
—
* Unfortunately, Saturn can also be kind of socially slow, so please understand that my pop culture references will be limited to The Princess Bride, A Christmas Story and Beauty and the Geek.

** This may or may not include aspersions you cast on my character based solely on the fact that I practice a system of divination commonly referred to in modern culture as “balderdash,” “poppycock” or “claptrap.”

Tags: astrology, Beauty and the Geek, Saturn

Filed under Uncategorized.