4 comments
why
so she was told today by the surgeon/doctor/whatever, that they were pretty certain it was cancer, though they still have to biopsy. they're talking chemo and mastectomy. she was told she couldn't have any more kids? that's all she's wanted for the last year.
i cant think and i feel selfish for being so upset. i feel like an asshole for any comment i ever made about having my tubes tide and being glad that i can't have kids anymore. i dont know what to do or say.
my husband and her husband work at the same company. Tony (my husband) went to find him as soon as I called. he said he was just standing there. He didnt go to the appointment with her today because she told him not to. he didn't know who to talk to or who to tell. Tony helped him get out of work. took him to hr and said he'd cover his shit for the day, even though tony is way senior to him and has an over full plate already.
i can't stop the tears and i cant tell you why they are coming. i feel numb.
what the fuck.
5 comments
how to react
My best friend since freshman year of high school has found a lump in her breast. This is just after her mom was diagnoses with breast cancer last August. It's not a hypocondriac situation. Her doctor made it super urgent that she get a mammogram, etc after feeling it yesterday. She's freaking out. I don't know what to do. I've been calling places to try to get her a mammogram appointment earlier than her already scheduled appointment for next Wednesday, but with no luck. She called me this morning crying, because she's very very scared. Her parents were coming to pick up her son for the weekend and her husband was on his way home. I offered to come over, even cancelled an appointment to do so, but she told me not to. Her husband was almost home anyway. So now I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel. Or say. Or do. I keep telling her to try to relax and wait for the results.
All week I have felt very anxious, already. Now this. FUCK! I need drugs. Illegal ones. and cigarettes and alcohol. STAT.
3 comments
happy birthday
... to meeeeeeeeee...
32 years, 3 kids and 2 marriages. Did I win yet?
5 comments
court sucked
He showed up to court. Apparently was at the DCSE offices yesterday and pulled $20,000 out of his ass, I guess. He did not go to jail. He was convicted of contempt and received a suspended sentence of 12 months, with the condition he not miss a payment or he goes to jail.
He talked to me afterwards. Asked how she was doing. I said good. He said 'just so i know' that he is going to seek visitation again. Not custody, but visitation.
That fucker.
I told my mom last weekend that exactly what happened is my worst fear. I don't want him in her life! How dare he think he can. How dare he think to leave it to the courts and not acknowledge how she feels about it. I am trying desperately to seperate my pure hate for him from what is best for her. I still don't think she needs to go through it. Goody for him, he'll get to see his daughter, supervised a couple times a month. I get to deal with all the emotional confusion she'll go through. SHE's 10 fucking years old! And hasn't seen you in 6 years, at least.
asshole.
i'm talking to attorneys today.
3 comments
Q4
I was laying in a hospital bed trying to convince my husband that I was in labor. He was in complete denial. Yeah, despite me lying in a hospital bed monitoring contractions. He had to ask the nurse if I was in labor, because he wouldn't take my word for it. By the next morning, he was a daddy again. My baby boy turns one year old tomorrow. Shit, time sure does fly.
Last October I stressed about my new baby. My sick baby. This year its money and mortgage and going to court next week. 2 years ago it was selling our townhouse and getting out of two house payments. Why do Octobers contain so much suck for me?
I have the Q4 blues...
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shit
I'm totally stoned.
I had a root canal done early this week. The tooth doesn't hurt, as is sorta the point, but I've a small mouth. The dentist was literally focring my jaw wider to be able to get the reach he needed. After 2 days of pain an not being able to open up to eat, I called to complain. And drugs, I was prescribed. Honestly, I'm in heaven at the moment.
5 comments
Muay Thai
I've been training muay thai (kickboxing) since the beginning of the year. Last night the grandmaster talked to me about instructor training, so he can certify me to teach muay thai technique. How cool. To think, just a few weeks ago, I was pissed because I thought he was neglecting the ladies. It would allow a cool part-time job and some extra income. I'm sorta proud.
0 comments
Attack of the Killer V's
http://www.rockcamp.com/bandVideos.php?city=Baltimore
Please vote for Attack of the Killer V's
My husband did Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp this summer. Sounds corny, but it was really cool! And it was the first time I got to see him on stage, since his band days were pretty much over before we met. So the video/audio quality isnt the greatest, but they were the best at Baltimore - srsly.
2 comments
court
October 16th. I got the summons a week or 2 ago. And I now have his address. The internet is a wonderful thing... reverse address lookup and I know who he is living with. He's less than 2 miles from Tony's work and I was within a couple blocks of him last weekend.
I've already started with the weird dreams and panic attacks. Not that I don't have enough to stress about already. This is swinging in the back of my mind, constantly. I'm not afraid to lose Ev or anything like that. I think the courts will laugh in his face no matter what sort of excuse he comes up with (if he shows up) for not paying child support and for being over $60k in arrears. /shrug. I'm stressed about seeing my demons. Being reminded of everything that happened. I am not afraid of him anymore though. I think.
Meh. I've been mia from here. That's how I roll
2 comments
child support
got a call yesterday from attorney's aid. i guess we're going to court in September-ish. Weird.
My husband and I took V and Tori to see King's X during sound check. Ev was dropped off at g/mas earlier cuz they're going to the beach together for the week. All the techs loved that they were there. Thought it was the coolest thing. The both had earplugs in and actually the sound wasn't too bad, not too loud. King's X is my husbands favorite band and they toured with some friends of mine a few years ago, so I got to have my husband meet them then. They're all very cool, down-to-earth guys. So, T emailed them about bringing the kids to sound check they were all for it. Staying for the show wasn't an option with the little ones. They didn't go on until at least 11:30 and that's usually a bit off.
They were filming bits for an upcoming video and want to use some footage of T and Tori, and maybe me with V. How neat. T had to sign releases for us. It would be an awesome way to remember Tori's first concert experience. How many four year olds do you know that go to sound checks like that? I had to tell her about how cool it was. She didn't get it at first, but you could see her face light up when she realized she was that "cool kid", the ONLY kid there. Yeah, i was building it up quite a bit for her, but it was nice to see her proud and confident.
Now we're having a special mommy and Tori night, watching Peter Pan and eating ice cream together. T is at the show, V is fast asleep and Ev is at grandmas. They're heading to the beach for a week tomorrow. Lucky her.
Despite some stress and things getting crazy hectic, today is turning out to be a really special day. I'm looking forward to Tori snuggling next to me in bed and going to sleep till daddy gets home and takes her to bed.
July 24, 2008
I have a few different "blogs/online journals/whateverthefuckyouwannacallthem". Its a recepticle for my mind vomit. I don't go back or save 'memories'. I spill it and that's pretty much that. I don't particularly care about my audience. The way I see it, I or no one is the audience. Sometimes I'll spontaneously break into conversation with someone who isn't here, or won't read it, but they become the "you" I reference. The fact that people find a need to apologize for the content of their blog/journal boggles me. My life is boring and fantastic and crazy. Just depends on the time of day, really. Eh, < /tangent >
Anniversay. Not the good kind. Upcoming is the kind of anniversary that sends me to flashbacks and panic attacks. Bad dreams. I haven't figured out why as the years go on, I become more and more concious of the day. Strange. Used to be I'd have to think hard on why I was suddenly panicky and nutzo. Anyway. So the first few days of August, 11 years ago. My husband-at-the-time and I went to visit friends in Indiana. It was me, him, our friend Paul and 11 hours from home. A small gathering. I was 19 years old. (No, I don't know what the fuck I was doing being married at 19, but there it was.) There was a girl there that I didn't know. She had a daughter, about 2 or 3 years old. She herself was only 17, I think. We had a party that evening. Cooking out, lots of underage drinking. Height of class at that age, you know. I remember sitting on the back porch, drinking, talking, laughing. Having a great time. She went in the house to use the bathroom. My husband went into the house to put our video camera away a few minutes later. She hadn't returned and then he took forever. So I went to find what was keeping him. Not a suspicion in the world. I checked our room, the basement, no sign. The hall bathroom was occupied. Figured it was the girl. Downstairs bathroom was empty. Well, what the fuck? Where's my husband? I knocked on the bathroom door and got no answer. I went to check another room and came back to the bathroom to knock again. This time, dear hubby opens up and he's in there with that girl. I threw my hands in the air and walked away. He came after me swearing that it was nothing. She was sick and he was just trying to help her out. Oh - I bought this.
The next morning, he goes into a drama queen thing and is calling his family in Ohio. Feeds me some story about his uncle being in the hospital and he's upset about it. So we all decided to drive to Ohio (me, him and friend Paul). We left late that afternoon. That girl hugged me when we left. 2 miles from the house, he tells me he screwed that girl in the bathroom.
/blink.
Naturally I lost my shit. Don't tell things like that to someone who is sitting behind you in a car. He turned around and smacked the shit out of my head. Paul stopped the car. I grabbed my wallet and bolted out of the car. Fucker hit me because he screwed another girl? Class! I was running back toward the house. Not exactly sure what or where my final destination would be. A row of houses backed to the road we were on. A guy standing in his yard stopped me to ask what was going on, allowing husband to catch up with me. I am sure he did not expect the Jerry Springer episode to happen. I told him, told him where I was going. That i was going to hurt her. After all, it's all her fault, right? Well, the bitch had the balls to hug be after fucking my husband in the bathroom the night prior. Really, she deserved my infliction of pain. My insides were breaking in half.
The guy on the lawn gave me the option to call this girl. I don't know why, but I remembered the number and so I did. I politely asked for her and once she was on the phone I asked her about it. I'd love to have seen her face. The guy was worried I'd throw his phone. But I'm considerate. Heh. I gently laid the phone on the ground and then took of running. Those years in high school track, paying off. I dont know why or how or what, but the cops showed up. Questioned me - I told them what was going on. Dear god, how trash this sounds. And it was! He was arrested that night. For yanking his arm when the cop grabbed him. I should've left him there to rot.
I bailed him out.
I. Bailed. Him. Out.
We drove to Ohio to see his family. There was nothing wrong with his Uncle. It was his guilt. Once he told me though, it was my fault. Much of the rest of that trip is a blur. I do remember losing a tire and nearly getting smashed by a semi.
I was so devastated. Beyond comprehension. He preached the truth so much - honor, truth. He told me he would tell me it was over before he was going to cheat. I believed that. Worthless.
Lots of back and forth for a few weeks. I remember I didn't shower for days after we got back. I quit my job too. I was truly broken. In an effort to cope, my fragile little head even made up what happened. I mean, I made out details that weren't true, but were far more easier to deal with. Like I made my self believe it was only a kiss. He corrected me though. We fought. He stabbed me in my head with a steak knife. He denies it ever happened, but I remember the blood running down my face. He covered my face with a pillow to stop me from crying. He locked me in closets to stop me from leaving.
He raped me. To make things better. I remember saying no. I know he saw the fear, terror and disbelief in my eyes when he didn't stop. That was my fault too. I think he hit me. I don't remember.
2 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. Between then and November of the following year, he cheated at least 2 more times. He always told me. So he didn't have to live with the guilt, but I got to live with the pain. During that time there were many fights. Most of the time he was high. He was demeaning and hurtful and violent. "i've slept with better looking women, he'd say" And then tell me he loved me. He was sorry. Typical.
If it weren't for my daughter, I think I'd be dead by now. He made me worthless. I couldn't do any better than him. Then my daughter was born. She was my world. And god damnit, she did not need to grow up thinking that shit was OK. She was six months old when i left him. He cried. I went back once. I told him things had to change. They didn't and a week later, I left again. For good.
I tried to let him be a father. I was accomodating and I tired to understand. He's an asshole. I haven't seen him in a couple of years. He's not seen his daughter in probably close to 5 years. I dont care.
This upcoming week was the start of the end. A tragic, sad, pathetic rollercoaster of my life. The most pain I've ever felt. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done. The Hardest. Ever genuinely fear for your life? Funny thing is though, I didn't realize how scared I was till long after. After some therapy. After some self reflection.
No one treats me like shit these days. I won't quietly stand by. I'm a better person.
I hate that I remember it so much.
2 comments
Got Meat?
I'm not a vegetarian, I just don't eat meat!
Or, so it seems that's how things need to be. I keep getting "sick"... upset stomach... spontaneous mass exodus? sigh. Meat. I love you, so. Why do you do the things you do?
16 responses
2 comments
At the pool
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The Dental Trip, visit 3
I had a temp crown put in today and the moulding for the real one was taken. I also had a nearby tooth filled. Just a little one. I'm miserable now though. My tooth hurts and I'm mean and grumpy. Beware.
$403 today. Some $3200 to go still. And I found out that my insurance company is being difficult about the work, having it sent in for review by one of "their dentists". If they find that less expensive work would've been adequate, they will not cover my work. Fuckers. My husband told his HR dept about it and they're going to conference with the insurance co. reps about wtf the problem is. They are making things frustratingly difficult. Hatred
15 responses
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