7 days ago  7 comments

This is so awful that it's awesome.

This is from Photoshop Disasters, which is a site I wish I'd never found.  I've been on it the last 45 minutes laughing so hard I literally have tears in my eyes. 

Click Me.  Really!

11 days ago  4 comments

Yes. Yes, we picked the right one.

http://yeswecanholdbabies.wordpress.com/

Click it.  You'll enjoy.  Promise.

16 days ago  8 comments

Fat women have sex? Yeah, right.

Ah, science.  Yahoo has an article exclaiming their surprise that fat women actually may actually have a whole bunch of sex. 

This is my favorite quote (Emphasis mine):

"Kaneshiro said the data showed that overweight women were more likely to report having sexual intercourse with a man, even when researchers controlled for age, race and type of residence. Ninety-two percent of overweight women reported having a history of sexual intercourse with a man, as opposed to 87 percent of women with a normal body mass index.

"These results were unexpected and we don't really know why this is the case," Kaneshiro said."

*GASP*  THE FATTIES ARE GETTING LAID?!?!  Who in their right mind would sleep with them?

Whatev.  I know the secret.  It's because fat girls are sturdy.  And freaky.

19 days ago  3 comments

Sniff.

I hate stuff like this.  Aw.  *Sniff*

34 days ago  7 comments

*Disgusting post ahead*....Mommy, why did my poop desplode?

That right there is why I've been scarce.  Every member of my family has the Intestinal Funk.Nothing like watching your baby projectile barf a good two feet, not two hours after changing a diaper that didn't leak, but POURED all over my carpet.  Thank the goddess I wasn't changing her on my bed.

Vampire hurled in his sleep, then sobbed "I think I boffed, mommy!  Wah!  Look!  Look at my pillow!  *sob sob* *yack*"  at that point, I was considering sobbing myself.  Husband took one look at me after he got up (from working his night shift) and shut me in our room so that I could get a nap, because at that point I was slightly queasy and green myself.

My kingdom for a linen service.  All of my towels and extra sheets have been abused in the last 24 hours.

34 days ago  1 comment

I have no idea why, but this video puts me in my happy place.

This is from the dude at The Impulsive Buy, where he reviews junk food with hilarious results.  This one is obviously Cocoa Puffs.

34 days ago  8 comments

My first note home from the teacher. Awesome. (UPDATED)

Okay, so I get a note on one of Vampire's things that he colored on from school that "T has a difficult time doing any paper or pencil activities.  Something to work on at home!"

Whuh?

Difficult how?  Can he not hold scissors?  Not surprising, since I've never in my life handed him a pair of scissors because he is overly clever, would find their hiding place, and cut off all his hair. Curse me for a bad mother, but I do not have the available brain cells for the constant vigilance that this entails.  Sorry.  We don't do scissors.  I don't need my rent check turned into confetti.  He'll figure out how to use scissors before he graduates from high school, I promise.

Pencil activities?  Can he not hold it?  Not coloring within the lines?  If you'd called me, I would have told you he hasn't figured out what hand he wants to write with yet, and he's still fairly ambidextrous, which he gets from me.  As the school pretty much doesn't allow parents to talk to teachers in person unless there's a signed form in triplicate and we complete our TPS reports and we leave the blood of a virgin, I haven't exactly been able to, you know, TALK TO YOU. 

Also, if it's not coloring within the lines, he is a sensitve artist and The Man doesn't understand his artistic tendencies, dude.

I realize that my precious little snowflake isn't your only kid, but dude, just talk to me.  You know, on the phone?  Or if the warden lets me see you, I'll even come see you face to face, but don't send me a vague note and make me guess what you mean.

I realize that I'm coming off as probably overly sensitve and bitchy, but I'm so used to the awesome communication that I've gotten from every one of Alex's teachers, that I'm really not used to how "normal" classes work.  I also blame PMS.

ETA:  He can't write his name yet, and other kids in the class can, oh, and he can't draw a line, AND AND AND he can't focus, and doesn't follow directions well.  I explained that he hasn't figured out what hand he wants to write with yet, which he gets from me, and she said she'd noticed that.  Whatever.

34 days ago  7 comments

What The FUCK, Lane Bryant?

I went to Lane Bryant on Monday to use a gift card I’d gotten for my birthday, plus one of those “50 dollars off of a 150 purchase” coupons that are the best thing since sliced bread, and I saw that Lane Bryant has lost its damn mind.

They’re selling Muumuus.  I shit you not.  There is no woman on the planet that would look attractive in that shapeless sack.  Even Morgan, of the glorious rack, wouldn’t be able to carry that dress with her boobs.

Also, I only saw three different skirts for sale.  Why, Lane Bryant?  Why do you insist we wear pants?  I like skirts, dude.  Make me a skirt.

I did find three pairs of pants, two very cute sweater-shirt-tie thingies, and some panties.  I wanted a damn skirt, though, and the one I liked was waaaaaaaaaaaaay too big or way too small.

Lane Bryant, just say no to muumuus, okay?

34 days ago  10 comments

The hurricane diaries. Also, I'm BACK!

I finally got my internet/cable/phone back.  WOO!  While I was sans-internet, I wrote this to post when I got back:

The Hurricane Diaries

Ike minus 2 – Oh my.  That’s a big freaking swirly cloud.  Time to order El Husband Muy Magnifico to fill up my car, and check water and nonperishable food supplies.  Enough water to float a battleship, check.  Junk food and fruit, check.  For some reason, nonperishable = brightly colored crap to Mr Ellie.  Mr Ellie comes back bitching and moaning over the cost of gas.

Ike minus 1 – Wow.  Big fucking cloud.  Order Mr Ellie to fill up HIS car.  Second verse of the “Holy shit is gas expensive” song is heard when he returns.  Kick self in ass for not getting renters insurance and try to figure out how to carry three kids and my beautiful lovely new sofa on my back while fleeing for my life if necessary.  Husband tries to figure out how to strap his baby (his TV) to the ceiling.  Suggests that my sofa cover his baby.  I tell him to suck it.  Ask Apartment manager if she’s really and truly sure it doesn’t flood here.  She assures me that the apartments stayed dry while the rest of the city floated around during Alison.  Sweet.

Ike landfall – Friday Day – Ass on couch all day glued to the TV.  For some reason I got hurricane insanity and cleaned my house when not staring at TV.  Actually did all of our laundry (I honestly do not remember the last time I had no laundry to wash.  It’s been several years.)  Several calls to Lea, who realizes how out of character the whole cleaning thing was and who laughed at me heartily.  Hmph. 

Vampire wakes up and tells me he had a “howwible” dream.  He dreamed that water came into our house and he couldn’t swim.  He was so upset by his dream he was actually crying.  I assured him that both mommy and daddy could swim and we would protect him.  You could see the cloud lift off of his face, and he skipped away to torment his brother with the skateboard.  Realize that I need to lay off of the news when he’s in the room.   

            Nightfall.  The wind has really started to blow, but no rain yet, and I, along with my entire apartment complex, go outside to gawk at the clouds.  You’d think it was an alien invasion the way we all stared upward and pointed at the clouds.  I’ll admit it was very eerie.  The sky was purple and you could actually see the clouds rapidly turning counterclockwise.

Ike landfall – Saturday Morning 2am – Still staring intently at TV, and rapidly freaking myself right the fuck out.  Not helped by weathermen having weathergasms all over the TV.  FLEE!  PANIC!  WE’RE GOING TO DIE!  Wind is really going now, and it’s raining.  Dog is trying to climb inside of my skin in his frantic attempt to slither behind me on the sofa.  Husband orders me to bed because I’m starting to look like the dog with the wide-eyed trembling thing (for those of you that don’t know, I have one of the shaky Chihuahuas).  Both boys get the enjoyment of sleeping in mommy’s bed, because mommy has decided that we all need to be in the same room, 'cause if we die, we die together, dude.  Mommy gets the pleasure of being kicked in the ribs.  Awesome.  Go to bed to the sound of transformers exploding.  They make a pretty blue light, I’ve discovered.

7:30am – Woo!  Suck it, Ike!  We still have electricity!  No cable, phone, or internet, but we have electricity!  Woo HOO!

7:45am – Damn hubris.  Bye electricity.  Sniff.  I shall miss you.

8:00 am – 1pm – Eye over Houston.  My fence rattles and my dumbass husband decides to grill in a hurricane because he’s hungry and because he doesn’t want to kill us all with carbon monoxide, he leans out of the porch door over the grill .  Fence is rattling because of the crazy-strong winds and husband is going “OW OW OW!” because the rain is drilling holes in him.  This is the father of my children, people.  Sigh.  Also, hurricanes are really loud.  Not freight train, like a tornado, but a huge roar of wind and lashing of trees, and creaking of walls and fences.  When I called my peeps to let them know I was still alive, I had to yell over the storm.  Called Lea and didn’t get her answering machine, so her power was obviously out, too.

2pm – Cell service dies.  Rain has died down so everyone in the complex is wandering around with their phones over their heads trying to get a signal.  Kids are bored senseless and whining piteously.  Curse myself for letting them watch so much TV.  Try to teach them Uno and the baby eats the cards.  No Uno.   Ike kicked the ass of the condos next door.  Walls completely fell off of the buildings and every piece of fence on their side fell over.  We lost some shingles.

7pm – Go to neighbor’s with a landline and use her phone to call Lea.  As I’m leaving a message, power comes back on.  Much cheering was had, and much thanking of the Goddess (I was wiccan-ing up a storm (pun!) during the whole thing.), because Alex doesn’t sweat, and we would have been screwed with no AC if it got hot. 

Ike plus 1 – NO one has power.  No one has phones or cable or dsl.  We are some lucky ducks.   Husband drives around and comes back to report that the area looks like it blew up.  No one at his job has power.  He offers our house to some family with little kids, but dude disappeared as he was following him home and husband waited 20 minutes for the dude to show up or pass him or something and dude never shows.  Husband is sticky and exhausted from cleaning up nine billion gallons of melted ice cream, so he comes home.  Wal-Mart gets a few slightly-less-evil points for offering employees advances on necessities, and for extra pay for working when not scheduled.  

Ike plus 2 – Drive to Lea’s to see if she wants to stay with us, as our phones STILL don’t work and I haven’t been able to get in touch with her.  See people JOGGING in her neighborhood.  Oooo-kay.  Y’all just jump over those branches and electrical wires.  Get some extra cardio.  Lea has fled for more illuminated pastures.  On the way back we see people losing their damn minds over gasoline.  I bet you’re regretting that Canyonero purchase now, huh, dude with giant speakers?  My little Camry weaves by and we’re cut off by an escalade and given the finger.  Well, we had the right of way, but a happy hurricane season to you, too, lady in Escalade!  Enjoy the sound of my horn.

Ike plus 3 – When is school starting again? 

I reiterate...WHEN IS SCHOOL STARTING?!?! MY CHILDREN ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!!!