26 days ago  13 comments

Holy Moly! A First!

CrazyLime is sleeping in his crib, not his swing.  He just went to sleep.  No drama.

I'd like to thank the GeekBoy family for the inspiration.

30 days ago  8 comments

An Update on Jennifer

Well, I am home from Colorado.  I greatly appreciate all your kind and supportive messages.  Things are looking up (if they can).

Because of my insistence, Jen's mother and sister sat down and had a real talk with her.  (Of course, this was AFTER I left.)  As I understand it, it was a difficult conversation that dredged up fear and tears and anger.  All healthy, rational emotions for the topic.  Jen took over her planning and has really shaken things up.

First off, she's not supposed to eat anything because of the risk of aspiration and pneumonia if food/fluid gets in her lungs.  She weighed the risks today, and decided to have some ice cream.  She wasn't prepared to never eat again and that is what she wanted.  I am really proud of her.  She's not letting her mom or fear bully her around.  She's told the surgeon to give her a list of acceptable food items (right consistency) and now she has options...broth, yogurt, ice cream, pudding.  And she doesn't have to give up eating.

I also heard that Jen's stepmother Dee was visiting her today.  When I was in CO, Jen's mother (a bitchy, bitchy woman) got all bunched up at the idea of "the other woman" being in the hospital and forbid her from coming to see Jennifer.  If Dee was there is was because Jen told her mother to shove it.  Awesome!

There is no cure.  Jen can't bargain her way out of this one.  But she has taken control.  I hear relief and peacefulness in her sister's voice.  And I've been told Jen just keeps having good days.  That's all we can ask for now.

I feel relieved.

33 days ago  12 comments

Please be honest with me when it's my time.

Well, I've been in Colorado since Tuesday.  I am returning home on Sunday.  I feel conflicted.  My cousin is certainly dying.  She has two separate life support systems currently functioning.  One for fluids and one for food because she can't have anything by mouth.  Her larynx, vocal chords, esophagus, etc are paralyzed and this has resulted in her aspirating food/fluid into her lungs.  Her feeding tube goes directly into her stomach and its presence means we can't hug or touch her because there is a big tube coming out of her belly and wrapping around her.  She has staples in her head running from the top/back of her head all the way down her neck like a zipper.  She has chronic headaches and vomits all the fluids they force into her stomach.  

Yesterday was hard.  Jennifer thought she would be able to have fluids after the stomach tube was inserted.  They had to set her straight.  She will never have anything but ice chips by mouth ever again. She is craving food.  She wants a milkshake, ice cream with strawberries, cheese enchiladas, spaghetti and meatballs, a margarita.  She was also informed she can never return to her third floor apt. again.  She can only travel by ambulance.  Her two choices are moving to a nursing home while she receives radiation treatments (that only buy her a short amount of time.  Read: days.) Or move into a hospice home and say good bye to friends and family.

This is where I struggle.  Jen's family won't share these options with her and she is living in major denial.  She thinks she could have months to years left.  She isn't processing what the doctors are saying.  We are secretly meeting with hospice tomorrow.  Their overprotectiveness is allowing Jen to live in an alternate world in which she doesn't have to deal with her imminent departure.  

I am saying good bye to my cousin tomorrow.  And I can't talk to her about reality.  I am pissed.  I want her to know I support what ever choice she makes ( I, personally, wouldn't choose radiation at this point.)  I will maybe get twenty minutes of alone time with her.  I have no idea what to say to her.

This is awful.

34 days ago  21 comments

Going to Say Good Bye.

Today has been a very bad day.  I washed my cell phone in the washing machine last night.  Today I prepared for a staff meeting at my spa in which I had to tell all my staff that I am cutting their wages because the spa is losing lots of money and to keep it open requires they lose pay.  I care for and respect these people.  I feel helpless.

Then, my mother left me several messages on my cell phone (ignoring my email about not having a phone).  She attempted to sound breezy, but I could tell she had horrible news for me.  When I called her back she told me that my cousin, Jennifer, is dying.  She's a few years older than me (early 30's) and she just woke up a few mornings ago completely paralyzed on her right side. She went to bed normally and woke up paralyzed.  Even her vocal chords are paralyzed.  An MRI shows she has a massive, inoperable brain tumor.  The paralyzation is traveling and is expected to consume her within a few weeks.  They give her six months (at the longest) to live and that is with complete paralyzation for most of that time.  

I am taking CrazyLimeBaby and flying to Boulder tomorrow.  (PBM, coming to DIA!)  I don't know if you will understand, but  I come from a large, spread out family.  Jen is my closest, in age, cousin and we were always paired.  I've looked up to her for my entire childhood.  We went to Camp Mystic together (Hill Country, TX), made up dances together, sang "Annie" at the top of our lungs together when I slept over at her house.  Many, many of my happy childhood memories include her.  We have sort of lost touch in these last few years.  She distanced herself from the family for other reasons.  And now I wish I had fought to keep in better contact.  I wish it weren't something like this that inspired me to tell her how much I love her.  I am so, so sad.  

34 days ago  0 comments

Offsprung Freecycle

Just an update:

Still waiting for AD and Ben to help work out the kinks.  I am having trouble signing out and creating a different profile.  I am hoping to post a thread soon for our first round of sharing.

*cue doves*