You all know the situation that I'm in vis-a-vis my wife.

Sometimes when I feel that I 'have to be nice' for such a long time, that when I lose it, I really lose it. I mean I yelled like somebody who has gone too long without...well, that too, but that's not what this post is about...letting off steam in a healthy way.

I still feel bad. I used alienating ways to communicate. I judged my wife and son as 'bad' because they could not resolve a conflict. I tried terrorize people rather than acknowledging how I felt when my needs for cooperation were not met.

Somehow, acknowledging "only human" is not enough. But I do need to find a way to permit myself to feel negative emotion.

The good news is that you understand what you did, and why it was wrong. Thats good.

We all lose it sometime, not everybody writes about it.

I dont really know what the situation is, but when our family dynamic gets tense, I try and change something. Spend more time home, take the family out of the home for a quick vacation away from the computer.

Kids see taking away the computer as punishment, they see a quick vacation as reward, even if it equally menas no computer.

Usually I try and find a way to open up the communication flow everybody and trust that when we are at least listening to each other, that we can work just about anything out.ometimes taht is easier if you get away from home.

Always here if you need to blow off steam.

The belief that the family dynamic could not be changed was partially what led to this frustration. Another thing that led to this was the belief that I could not tell my wife what was bothering me without her feeling even worse.

I'm deliberately not telling too much information about the situation that caused this because my intention is to understand my own reaction rather than tattle-tale on my family. Doing so would just make it harder if you were to meet them IRL.

It's great to have here to blow off steam. Nobody gets hurt that way.

But it's also comforting to get that bit of understanding that parenting involves some messy emotions sometimes.\

Apologies have already been made all around. The mystery is how I permitted it to happen.

Part of this is the authority/power trip? I'm the Dad - If I'm not allowed to spank, certainly I'm allowed to yell, right? How else can I assert my authority? I mean, in the Army, people yell all the time.

Problem is that a cycle of humiliation and shame will just increase the need for them to exert their power when they become parents.

Then tell them why you were wrong. Perhaps they can learn from this too, and not take on that behavior into their eventual parenting. Also tell them what beaviors on their part are making you angry, and ask them what can you both/all do about it.

The one thing that I will say is that my husband does the same thing you do - holding back information or criticisms because he doesn't want to upset or hurt me more. I can not even begin to communicate how crazy this makes me for so many reasons. Honestly, it pisses me off like nothing else does.

Michael, I know your wife is going through a difficult time, but respect her enough to tell her how you feel. Obviously there is no need to insult her (or anyone) or be unneccesarily cruel, but it is a great disservice to others when you are not honest about your feelings. I know every person and every family is different, but by and large, the truth is usually the best policy.

Geez - I just read what I wrote. I didn't mean to make it sound like an attack on you Michael. It's just a touchy subject for me. I know you are in a tough spot right now and I have no doubt that you truly want to do what's best for your wife and family. Yes - messy emotions are part and parcel of parenting. And life.

You do have a point - after all, I did post here to obtain feedback. I certainly agree with you intellectually, PbM, and I think my blowout was also an indication of a poor strategy in the past. I didn't want to blow my "good husband" image. That was my mistake.

Perhaps if I say:

"I feel frustrated that we can't go out much, especially on a beautiful day, but I feel even worse expressing this because I fear you may be even more aware of your situation by contrast. Even if I go out without you, I feel sad and guilty because I miss your companionship"

"I'm also frustrated because I know how badly you want to be self-sufficient again, and I recognize that you're 90% there. But when you don't do your exercises It really bothers me because I fear this (physical) weakness having lifetime implications if it is not addressed when we have time"

I just want this to be OVER.

I'm feeling better now. A bit of Guitar Hero, then off to bed.

I defintely acted tragically - in the sense that my response ensured my need to be heard met. Still, when I hear the word 'wrong' applied against me, I felt uncomfortable since I recognize that the 'wrongness' of my actions fed my sense of entitlement to yell in the first place.

If I tell my family that these were the actions that fed my outburst, I suspect I may be giving them the incorrect impression of responsibility for my own actions.

A lot of stuff somehow got cut out of my last response. Here's how it should have read

I definitely acted tragically - in the sense that my response ensured my need to be heard would not be met.

Even agreeing with the points above, when I hear the word 'wrong' applied against me, I felt uncomfortable since I recognize that labeling them as 'wrong' fed my sense of entitlement to yell in the first place.

I remain concerned that if I tell my family that these were the actions that fed my outburst, I suspect I may be giving them the incorrect impression of theirresponsibility when the responsibility for reaction was entirely my own

"I feel frustrated that we can't go out much, especially on a beautiful day, but I feel even worse expressing this because I fear you may be even more aware of your situation by contrast. Even if I go out without you, I feel sad and guilty because I miss your companionship"

"I'm also frustrated because I know how badly you want to be self-sufficient again, and I recognize that you're 90% there. But when you don't do your exercises It really bothers me because I fear this (physical) weakness having lifetime implications if it is not addressed when we have time"

Michael, I think this would have been perfect to say. PBM is right in saying that while you have every good intention of not hurting your wife, it's ultimately harmful to your relationship to put yourself in the role of protector. I know because she's been ill, it's your first impulse and that's awesome, but I hope you can see that you deserve AND she deserves for you to be able to express your feelings and needs.

Good luck, hang in there, all the cliches. Vent here when you need to!

Yeah, I think ruth and PBM are right on with this. I know that I hate it when Mr. S treats me with kid gloves and it always leads to a much worse fight later on when he blows up and then I lose it than if he'd just told me what the problem was in the first place (in a tactful, non asshole way, of course).

Good luck.

Yeah, Michael, that's a textbook perfect way to present your feelings, complete with "I feel" statements.

On a different level, I have a dad that (still) feels perfectly entitled to vent his anger on his children, in the best case scenario it was yelling. He has never recognized that there's anything wrong with this or that one downside is that you teach your children to do the same to their own children, and I appreciate very much that you do understand that. I have spent my whole life trying to learn how to deal with anger in an appropriate manner and only when I had my own kid and decided I wanted to be a different kind of parent (and figured out how hard it was) did I realize that he was also making a choice to be that way to us and that that really freaking sucked.

AlphaGeek does this too, although not very often. Interestingly, the last time it happened was when I wasn't feeling well. Hmmm.

He also blew up at me one night when I was pregnant with the Little Miss - he told me he didn't think I was 'trying hard enough to feel better'. I was so angry I started crying. He totally backpedaled because that's not quite what he meant, but that's how it came out. He is still leery of taking me to task for certain things because he's worried he'll get it wrong.

I know when I have to talk to him about stuff, it takes me a week of visualizing the conversation to get it so that I'm sure I won't offend him, and it comes out sounding like I'm trying to find a solution, rather than throwing his mistake into his lap. It's not easy, even after nearly eleven years together!

I guess that what I really want is to recognize the fuse is getting shorter before the bomb goes off. In principle we have a choice when we're angry, but it sure doesn't seem that way sometimes.

Anyway, thank you everybody! Particularly resonant were the protector and 'kid glove' issues.

Follow up

I'm forgiven, the kids are at grandma's (this was planned before the incident) and I'm off to the gym. Thanks for all your help.