crap.

did i turn it off?

um...how do you fix this? help?

Did that do it?

Whiskey bottles and brand new cars?
Too muck coke? Too much smoke?

Make that "Too much."

I can't even get my Skynyrd references down right today. Sigh.

When we lived in Hawaii in Navy housing, I had a dog. I kept having to sweep up grit by the back door which I just assumed was dirt the dog was tracking in. It was a constant battle trying to keep the floor clean for Older Son who was then a toddler. One day, I had a repairman in to fix a crack in the ceiling between the kitchen and laundry (the back door was off the laundry). We were having small talk as I cleaned the kitchen and he worked. He saw me sweeping up the grit and said, "oh, once I get this ceiling fixed you won't have to do that anymore". Puzzled, I said, "well how will that keep the dog from tracking in the dirt?" and he said... "oh, that's not dirt. That's cockroach poop. There are millions of them inside your walls and as they move around they kick the poop out the crack in the ceiling."

I tried to close the italics--we'll see if it worked.

In Charlottesville, a couple of years ago, I started smelling this horrible garlic smell in the kitchen, but I could not trace it. It was coming from the sink area, but I couldn't place it. I spent an entire week obsessively sniffing the sink and the seams in the countertops near it trying to find the source. I thought maybe there was garlic stuck in the garbage disposal and I shoved countless things down there to try to flush it out.

Finally, one day I decided to deep clean the counters and I moved everything off of them and into the laundry room, including a bowl that I put onions and garlic in. Suddenly, the smell was out of the kitchen and in the laundry room. I finally discovered that the garlic clove that looked completely fresh and firm was actually entirely rotted out inside. You'd think that would be the first thing I'd check. Dummy.

Maybe it will work now?

Dammit

Two single women living in Ann Arbor. One cooks when she can, the other cooks rarely because she works so hard.

Along comes a week of intense work finishing the semester, and as the week progresses a funk appears in the kitchen. Woman Two cleaned the counters, smell remained. Women One and Two clean fridge together, snake sink drain, look for dead mouse in the stove. Smell remains. Woemn open windows to lovely April night air and flee teh house during the day waiting for stench to work it's way through decomposition.

End of week brings relief. Woman Two decides to cook for once. Woman One is talking to boyfriend on the phone in her room and hears a horrible shriek followed by running footsteps and gagging.

Woman One defrosted chicken a week ago, then forgot about it while studying. Both ate out every night that week, nobody opened the microwave until Saturday.

Moral: Single women need to check in their microwave every night, just in case. And have Lysol on hand.

Not a house story, but close enough.

One Monday this spring, I walked into my classroom. And turned and walked back out, gagging. It smelled AWFUL. Like rotten smoke. I grabbed the teacher next door and made her come over, to make sure it wasn't just me. It wasn't. So I looked all over the classroom, to see if maybe I'd left out something perishable. Found nothing.

The other teacher in my room came in. "Oh my good lord!" she said, "We've got a dead rat!"

"Ew." I said, and went to find the custodian.

The custodian came. "Yep, dead rat," she said, "Must be in the heater, smells like it's toasting. Nothing I can do if it's in the heater." And she walked out.

So for the rest of the school year (about five weeks), my classroom smelled like dead rat.

I found a kitten in my engine once when I was on my lunch break at the bank. I made a habit of sitting in my car listening to the radio just to get away from my desk and I kept hearing this weird noise, kind of a "meh". I open the hood and there is a very terrified kitten. I run into my boss' office, show him the kitten I found in my engine and ask if I can take it to the shelter for medical care. Boss was a squishy marshmallow so he shooed me out the door. I took it to the shelter and they said that the kitten looked okay, but was just dehydrated and overheated and scared out of its mind and they'd make sure it got adopted. Sniff.

The worst stench I've ever encountered is when Hurricane Elvis came through Memphis (not really a hurricane, just 100mph winds that came out of nowhere and demolished the city...we ended up calling it Elvis.) and our power was out for almost a week. It was the middle of summer and I was very freshly pregnant (I actually peed on the stick in the dark with a flashlight) so I asked my aunt if I could stay with her since she had electricity. A week later, we go home and HOLY GODDESS WAS IT AWFUL. I barfed as soon as I walked into the house, and had to run back out. Mr Ellie threw away every single thing in the fridge, sprayed it out, and I dumped two boxes of baking soda all over it. I literally just opened the boxes, held my breath, opened the door and started shaking. VILE. Bleck.

Julia - MMM. Freshly toasted rat. My favorite. *gag*

Ellie - Yeah. It never got better, coming in each morning to that.

Have I mentioned I'm so very glad to be teaching at a new school this fall? I'm hoping no dead rats. *fingers crossed*

end?