Don't do it, peacocks don't make good pets.

Okay guys, I need your help in making a very important decision.

As many of you know, we are getting an au pair. We had a great girl picked out from Chile whom we really liked and with whom we had built a great relationship. Unfortunately, her visa was denied not one, but two times. After talking to her coordinator and director of her program, it sounds like it was a little man with a little power who made this decision. Well, it sucks big time, not only because we feel terrible for the girl (she was so excited to come to the States), but it also left us in an awful bind because I'm supposed to go back to work on August 26 and there's no way we could get a new au pair her by then.

So, we've been left with the option of getting an in-country transitional au pair, which means the girl has either finished her one year with her family and is interested in extending her stay by another year with a new family, or the girl and her host family did not work out and she needs a new family and the host family needs a new au pair. As you can imagine, the latter seems like a riskier choice because it means there was a problem between host family and au pair. The former could be a result of the au pair just wanting to live in a new place or it could mean that she did not want to continue with the family for a reason (or vice versa).

There are two girls we are currently considering. One girl is from Colombia and was with her host family for 7 months before parting. The family claims she did not engage the children well (ages baby, 2, and 4). The girl claims that the family routinely made her work 12 hour days and often didn't pay her extra (she's only supposed to work 45 hours per week), culminating with the host-mom going out of town for a weekend leaving the girl working 15-18 hour days while who knows where host-dad was. Then host-mom didn't want to pay her for the time, citing that she spends time using the internet and watching TV and that free time should make up for her long hours. It sounds to me like the family was taking advantage of the girl. We talked to the girl last night and I liked her. She seems to really love children and she doesn't seem like a party animal...

The other girl is from Germany and she is finishing up a year with her family. She wants to leave them because the mother is a bit over-bearing, they never let her drive (which was her foremost complaint), and it sounds like the family takes a little advantage of her, too (though not nearly like the Colombian girl). Her bedroom is supposed to have windows and it doesn't, they don't compensate her time/pay when they are routinely late home from work, etc. This girl seems very competent, but not terribly warm. However, we actually met her in-person because she's currently with a family from nearby.

We originally wanted a Spanish-speaking au pair and the girl from Chile seemed just right--she was sweet, loved children, had a strong sense of family, etc. We want someone who will form a strong relationship with the kids, who will hug and kiss them, etc. We don't feel like the German girl would become a member of the family, rather she'd be our employ. The Colombian girl seems more like the Chilean girl, but we'd be taking a bigger risk with her because maybe she really isn't as great with the kids. There's just no way for us to know.

Last important details: I go back to work Aug. 26. Colombian girl is available next week which is when Chilean girl was going to come; German girl is not available until Sept. 1. Colombian girl only has 4 months left before her visa expires (but she can extend it for a year if we agree and she wants to). German girl has extended her visa 9 months period. I kind of feel like if the Colombian girl really is a dud, we'd only have to put up with her for 4 months and then we could get someone else. Or she could work out great and stay for 16 months with our family. German girl, love her or hate her, would be here for 9 months. I guess if she really sucks, which is unlikely, we could replace her...

What do you all think I should do? As may be obvious, I'm leaning towards the Colombian girl, though I think Earl Grey may be leaning towards the German, but I just want to know what you all think.

Thanks!

Wow LG, thats a lot to have to deal with. My only suggestion is to follow your gut instinict. I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you and your family!

HBD, too funny!

It seems to me like you feel in your heart that the Columbian girl is the right one, so I say go with her. You can always declare that it's not working with either girl and find a new option. "Not engaging the children well" is a vague criticism and not the end of the world (was hostile and mean to children would be a whole 'nother story).

I agree that you should go with your gut on this one.

I'm on Team Colombia. In this case.

I agree with Mcglory it seems that you are really leaning towards the Colombian girl. I say go with your gut.

The best part is that you're not contractually obligated to keep either... so you could let them go ant get someone else.

I'd say go with the German woman. Her "host" family didn't complain about her. Where you detected a bit of a formal distance, my guess is that if you treat her as a member of the family (e.g., include her in activities and express a strong interest in her culture) that she'll warm up.

I wouldn't want an au pair that is frequently watching TV and surfing the Internet. How is that engaging the kids?

I may be biased, however, because I have a number of German relatives. I'd also note that the initial taciturn nature some Germans exhibit in social interaction is often a product of a culture in which one is taught to treat strangers with respect, not familiarity.

Good luck!

I don't know...but who puts a girl in a bedroom without windows?

I guess the whole au pair thing is a risk for both sides, eh?

i would probably go with the Columbian, stand-offish people make me a little tense or something, which is fine for a short-term thing, but if i had to live with her, i'd go spare. Plus i've shared houses with germans, in various capacities (like, as an equal; a boarder; a girlfriend, etc) and they were generally fairly weird. No offence jtc.

PS peacocks make great pets, they just make lousy neighbours. They say "BOCK" all night really loudly, which sucks.

My answer is opposite from JTC's *because* my mom is German and I've grown up around Germans. I love my people, but we can be difficult!

Cultural stereotypes and personal experiences aside, it seems that if you're looking for a very professional au pair, the German girl is the way to go. If you want an auntie of sorts, the Columbian girl seems right. I agree with McGlory - "failure to engage" is a vague criticism at best.

Bol - peacocks are the devil's creatures.

BoL, my grandmother lives right next to the Los Angeles County arboretum, which is home to several peacocks. They're always up on her roof. Their call sounds like a cry for help. It used to freak me out when I was a kid.

There is admittedly some degree of German wierdness. Just don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.

I'd actually say go with the peacock, just make sure your bedroom doesn't have any windows. Actually, I'd say go with the one you like better (Columbian) unless the hubby has some valid reasons for liking the German. But I think it's a gut call. Just like most people said.

Ur, weirdness. Need more coffee.

Colombian. I'm much more inclined to believe her than the parents, as I've heard of way too many parents that ditch their kids with nannies or childcare (or their parents) and act like they don't have kids.

Bol - Peacocks are just pretty chickens. And we all know how I feel about chickens.

I say go with your gut and unless Earl Grey has a very strong (and particularly valid) reason for preferring the German girl, then that means the Columbian.

I wasn't an au pair, but I was a live-in nanny three times. From that perspective, I can tell you that it is all about personality fit. I loved the kids at my first job, but the mom was very demanding/ micromanaging, they did come home late a LOT without paying me OT, and I was ready to leave even though nothing "bad" had ever happened. They would probably have given me ok reviews, and I did give them only OK reviews.

Next family I lived with-- we clicked. They never took advantage, they came up with thoughtful and fun ways to show their appreciation for me, and they did not micromanage. The mom was really into the parenting books, and she did actually "require" me to read books and we would go to lunch to discuss them (on the clock by the way, and nice lunches.) But she stopped short of micromanaging by allowing that I might interpret the practical application of something differently than she would-- and she was ok with that. I felt respected and valued there, and not just by the kids (the kids always love you :) ) I ended up being their vaction nanny three times-- a gig that is punishing in anything than ideal circumstances (on duty 24/7, sharing a room with the 3 year old and 1 year old, assiting with cross country air travel.)

My third gig was similar-- lots of mutual respect, lots of appreciation shown, and it went very well. I live near that family and the kids and I are facebook friends and the mom and I get together a couple times a year to have drinks and chit chat.

I saw how many au pairs were treated when I was a nanny-- I believe both girls' stories and can tell you that showing them appropriate respect and appreciation can make all the difference!

Also-- when I mention appreciation-- here are some examples:
knowing I loved a certain salad from Whole Foods and keeping it in the house even though I was the only one who liked it; sending me and my best friend to a really nice dinner for my birthday; asking me to house sit and PAYING ME (even though I did live there); NEVER asked me to do pet care (so I volunteered to); bringing me a coffee drink back from running errands just to be nice; having the cleaning lady do my bath and room also (first family: I had to do my own even though the whole house got cleaned. No Big deal, but I really loved that perk!) random concert tickets and theatre tickets (often these were things they had season tix for and didn't want to use but I liked it anyway.) AND: telling me IN FRONT OF THE KIDS how much they appreciated me.

And you mentioned that you would really like someone who spoke Spanish. So if you like the Columbian girl and the dates work for you going back to work, as everyone else said, go with your gut.

It's also possible that the kids didn't want to be engaged. I nannied for a couple of years and while my kids were great, their friends were awful. Their parents weren't ever around either. Wouldn't do anything, no matter what I tried. And one of them kept threatening his Filipino nanny that if she didn't let him do what he wanted, he would have her sent back home! He was FIVE!

I'm with the people who say go with your gut...also, because if things don't work out very well with her, then you only have to put up with it for a few months.

TM - holy shit. That kid was the bad seed!

I say go with your gut. I have no experience with live-in nannies and the alike. (my husband does and his vote was for the Columbian girl but he's biased.)

Yeah, I'd definitely go with the Colombian. "Not engaging the children well" is vague, not to mention the fact that children ARE little people with distinct personalities and opinions of their own. Some people mesh, some don't, regardless of age. Also, perhaps some of the time spent online/watching tv was while the children were sleeping? If she was working 15-18 hour days, the children wouldn't have been up the whole time.

In German girl's defense, though, she may just be nervous/shy when first meeting people.

Good luck! This has got to be really stressful.

LG, you will do the right thing for your family. Your instincts on this one are of paramount importance. Because it sounds like your instincts are leaning towards the Colombian, I would place my vote there.

I considered talking to CPF about an au pair for about five minutes. Then I realized that in Flagstaff, they cost more than the day cares in the area. By a lot. It would be so nice though.

I would go with the German. When I was in 7th grade, one of my good friends was from Germany. Her German mom could seem very harsh or rough around the edges to outsiders, but anybody who spent time with her would see a very sweet and nurturing woman who was wonderful to be around.

I'm also biased towards German women because my best friend's mom was German. She was the sweetest, most wonderfully amazing kind and caring woman! Nothing ever seemed to phase her or cause her to lose it, and she had six kids! When my friend's mom died of ovarian cancer a few years ago it was a horrible loss to anybody and everybody who knew or even met her - she was that amazing.

Now that said, I'm also a rational person who recognizes that neither of these women were who they were because they were born in Germany. But it explains my bias. It's kind of like my immense attraction to Hispanic men that stems from my childhood experience as a dad-less girl who was lovingly welcomed in as one of the family by my friend's father. Until Jesse, I hadn't had never had a father-figure in my young life. Feeling that kind of love and acceptance from a non-family member as a young kid can be very powerful.

And actually, I really just want you to go with your gut. I don't know anything about these people so I couldn't actually accurately judge.

Team Colombia here as well, for all the well-said reasons mentioned above.

It's like the Au Pair Olympics!

I realize it seems like I may be being judgemental when I say I don't think the German girl is as warm--implying, perhaps, because she's German. But, it is more than that. She has been in the area a year already, she has made friends and she comes across as wanting to spend a lot of time with them. And, she's 20, so who can blame her. But for the Colombian girl, who is 22, yes she's been in the States a while, but she'll be moving to a new state and won't know anybody. Not that I don't want her to make friends, it's just that it takes time to make friends and she'll be more inclined to spend that early time getting to know us and our family. I hope.

We'll see... I love the input, though. And, I do have great instincts. I'm rarely wrong about people.

LG, I apologize profusely for causing your thred to be overrun with peacock references.

I also vote for Ms. Columbia.

Gosh, it seems like you can't go wrong either way considering the last families these girls were with sound truly awful! You will be welcomed as liberators:)

You're making me want an au pair. Do tell us what you decide and how it goes!

No, no, I like the peacock references. It adds humor to my stress. Ms. Peacock was my second favorite character in Clue.

I'm also voting Team Columbia, because the combination of good gut instincts PLUS the 4 month period you can consider a kind of "probation" seem to make it a very low-risk choice. Good luck.

i'm betting your first choice was Miss Scarlet.