So playgroup mums had a parents' night tonight, at this new Bistro downtown. I dragged Bill along, (ok, he wanted to go) and Beenie, cos we don't have a sitter, she just comes everywhere with us at this age, still. I was under the impression that other people were bringing their smaller kids, and their husbands. Turns out i was the only one, but it was ok - Bill gets along with everyone, and they are mostly nice people who included him in everything and all adore Sabrina. So it's going well.

Except that it was absurdly noisy in there, it was wall to wall packed and everyone was talking loudly to compete with everyone else. They hadn't bothered to shut off the music, so there was that to compete with too. Our bunch of 8 + baby were seated at a 6-seat table like sardines. We ordered drinks, then food, and then waited... and waited. Finally some drinks show up. After an hour or so, we're starting to wonder when the food might arrive. Then we get offered a bigger table, so we take it, we all pick up and move across the room, to a table that's ridiculously high. Our chairs are absurd, you can't touch the ground with your feet. Maybe it's ok if you're going to perch there for two hours, no good if you've got a sleepy baby who wants rocking and/or nursing.

Anyway, the main meals were nice-ish but the girls who got pasta said they were far too small. The girl with antipasto couldn't get at it, cos it was stacked precariously with breadsticks and salad leaves, like "Kerplunk" or maybe "Jenga." i had gnocchi. Far too much black pepper, to where it wasn't spicy, just made you cough when it hit your throat. DaD's seafood pizza looked fairly nice if a little average.

So throughout the evening DaD and I are tag-teaming getting Beenie to sleep. Which she is flat-out refusing to do. He's outside with her for a bit, then i go. Then he's changing her in the car, then i'm nursing her in a corner. Then he's got her in the courtyard. Then i've got her in front of the TV playing the olympics... it goes on.

The dessert arrives, (eventually) and while i'm taking my first 2cm-square taste of the fruit pizza i've ordered, which looks ok, "le patron" says to me, "aren't you gonna share that?"

Which, correct me if i'm wrong here, sounds pretty much to my ears like "You gonna eat that whole thing?"

So i say "With who?" cos there's 8 people at my table, and they've all ordered their own desserts, from tiramisu to enormous ice-cream sundae. After he leaves, DaD comes back in from the courtyard with a still-awake baby, and i tell him i want to go. Everyone's asking if i want the fruit pizza in a box, or my hot chocolate to go, but the truth is, really, if you sit a person down in front of a handful of red currants on a bit of pastry and then call them fat, they aren't likely to want to eat it, are they? Likewise the hot chocolate. Never even found out if it was actually hot. Never touched it.

DaD didn't hear the comment, he was outside with Beenie at the time.

Tell me, did i overreact? (Cos i laid into the guy on the way out, started out with "You can have that fruit pizza, you can share it with anyone you like, I don't want it.") He said he was just having a bit of fun.

Have i, in fact, overreacted? I'm ok with it if you think so, i just can't at all see it that way.

(Nevermind that we have a small baby and are having a difficult time eating ANYTHING, nevermind that we don't get to go out very often. Never mind that i give NO impression that i'm down with being the butt of any joke from some random stranger. I never spoke to him when he came over to ask how the food was, i just sort of smile and stay quiet, let the louder people answer.) Am i wrong for wishing pestilence, famine and humiliation on the restauranteur?

We also had to leave in a hurry cos i was so upset... and i think the other girls might have assumed i was upset that Beenie wasn't sleeping (not the case, but they don't know me that well) or that DaD were having a fight (again, not the case, but they wouldn't know that, they barely know us). So i'm also embarassed to go back to playgroup. This was a really shitty finish to the evening and a really shitty playgroup situation. I don't want to be eggshell-girl to them all.

shit that was way long. dammit. i must get real verbose when pissed.

Oh, poor you. I would have ripped him a new one, too. And when I get angry, I get all twangy and sound reeeeally Texan.

If I were closer, I'd give you a big hug and a free evening of babysitting so that you could go out.

I can send Sailor in a couple months. Well if he gets stationed on the west coast his ship will stop in Melbourne for leave. That's not that far from Ballarat right?

I think you were right to get angry. Perhaps the person that said that had no social skills what so ever so it was learning experience for them.

Next time you have playgroup just say "Sorry I left early the other night" and if anyone asks be honest. If they're good people they'll understand that some issues (like a person's weight) are off limits.

I should add that I think you are a beautiful inside and out.

The guy sounds like an asshole. I don't think you overreacted at all, I would have been livid as well.

And CJRW, I am the exact same way. When I get angry, the southern WV hick comes right out and I sound like I just came off the mountain.

What a jerk! I don't think you overreacted...the guy had zero manners and put his idiocy on full display. And I totally agree with MttM - next time you see your playgroup a simple 'sorry we left kinda early' and leave it at that.

This is where it would be awesome if OS'ers all lived way closer together...hugs and babysitting would abound! And I'm sure there would be battles to see who would get to sit the babies!

Thanks everyone. DaD says on the bright side, he didn't charge us for my untouched dessert and drink, but still, he saves what, $15, and i get to feel like crap for an indeterminate period - hell, i got called "Fat" by a total stranger once, it was over 12 years ago, and i still remember it. It still hurts. Hurts more than losing $15.

i would totally babysit for you guys. Or clean someone's house while they babysit my Beenie. Either way would rock.

I probably would have been offended too. I walked out of a store where I was about to buy 100$ worth of items for someone's wedding registry, because as she was ringing in my items, the cash lady looked me up and down and informed me that there was a sale in the women's wear department.

It wasn't the words as much as the look. I told her to stop ringing up the sale and walked. I wish I had had the presence of mind to be more eleoquent.

Are you saying the server said that???

I would call the manager and explain how her/his staff just lost business. If it feels to strange to explain what happened to a stranger, as DaD to do it - the server should ABSOLUTELY not get away with that!

Oh, I hate it when anyone calls attention to what I'm eating (or how much). Even if it's done with good humor, it's so clueless and rude. Complain to the manager if you haven't already. Teasing customers about how much food they're eating is just plain bad for business, if nothing else.

Now, I'm going to go eat a piece of coconut cream pie for breakfast...

hmmm - a four egg omelet with cheese as a sign of solidarity...works for me!

Oy! I'm pretty thick-skinned, but I'd have been offended.

Be honest with the playgroup ladies - I bet they'll be indignant for you. Tell them that's a sensitive subject for you.

Wookie - I think what you did was just right. I worked retail for years - customers walking sends a stronger message than anything.

CJRW, ks - when I get mad, I turn into Holly Hunter from Raising Arizona. DW is always saying "give me back that baby, you warthog from hell!"

Dude, he WAS the manager/owner. He was doing the whole "I didn't mean it as a jab, it was just a bit of fun, i'm not a mean person" etc., and i remember saying "How on earth do i know that?" and "well, i'm glad YOU'RE having fun," and so on, and then DaD told me i should go to the car while he paid - i think he has a radar for when i've said enough. I was sort of choking on my own rage. And i had tears. You betcha. I had to walk through the remainder of the dining area up front too, so i did, carrying the baby, wiping tears and marching toward the door, scowling. All poise. :-/

And yeah, we got home and made grape tartlets with bananas. Fuck him and his fruit pizza. It's not like DaD and I go out that often, partly it would financial idiocy, and partly it's just not easy with Beenie. But apart from any future business he might have got with us, we're so going to tell everyone we know that it sucked. Even apart from the crappy manners, waiting over an hour for a main meal in an average restaurant is absurd. It isn't even that large where you could think maybe everyone ordered a steak or something. I think it's just badly run by a toad of a manager.

Also, Wookie, you rule. That woman can also go fuck herself.

I am ok when a friend says something bitchy, if she knows me well, and i can tell it's a joke - or she's being the kind of friend who tells it like it is, or whatever. That's different. It's the complete strangers who get personal when they shouldn't, they're the ones that really shit me. I'll never forget our old kung fu teacher making a big showy joke about my tits once, in front of some people i'd never met before. I was shaking with rage when we left that day.

On the other hand i LOVE calling to change a service or something and getting to say "customer service" was my reason for leaving. I just recently left Vodafone for Virgin, i was fuming with the Vodafone "service", four wrong departments, nobody spoke English well enough to be understood, I had a robot in two departments, called "Marla", would you believe, who interpreted my phone line static as me making selections. Ended up in the wrong department every single time, and they would transfer me back, and i'd be on hold for 20+ minutes... fucking nightmare. And i just angrier, and angrier, and angrier... eventually i rang Virgin, and the guy was so sweet, helpful, i was on hold for less than a minute... he totally disarmed me and got me where i was going in less time than it takes to make a cup of tea.

I told DaD later that their customer service is so good (and it is) in all their various departments, that i suspect they are first trained in hostage negotiations, they're so good at neutralising your anger. It's just a damn shame they don't have a restaurant chain. I'd so be there, buying a hot chocolate right now.

What is up with judging other's weight or eating choices habits? Even as a joke, it's cruel and can have devistating effects. I've experienced this a couple of times and I am in no way near disgusting, but one would think I was the troll lady by other people's behavior.

I was getting my hair cut and styled at a higher priced salon in Houston. While chatting with the stylist I happened to mention that I had 3 small children. She stopped working and looked at me directly in the mirror with an astonished face.

"YOU'VE got THREE kids?" she asked with a hint of judgement.

I get this sometimes because I do look remarkably young. (If I must say so myself) This wasn't where she was going however. I answered her "yes" and then she dropped the bomb.

"Honey, if you can get your husband to sleep with you now just think what it would be like when you loose weight."

I swear my heart stopped beating and my stomach shredded to pieces. My eyes stung and my body filled with rage. But, being the confrontation coward that I am - I let it go.

I came home in tears, called my Mom and she convinced me to call up and complain. I did, and the salon manager was humilated. I told her I wanted nothing, not even a refund, I just wanted her to know that her stylist was hurtful. I recieved a full refund in the mail, which I appreciated since I insisted on not getting one. She also included a $100 gift card - that I sold on Ebay for 97.00 since I was never going there again.

It wasn't that she was rude, it was that she honest to goodenss beleived what she was saying. She was sincerely shocked that someone would have sex with me.

BoL - Sweet Jeebus! I hope later you gave your old teacher what for...that is unacceptable behavior from an adult.

Rachell, I would have been arrested on assault charges. Seriously. OMFG...what the hell?!! You'd think in a higher end salon the employees would have been schooled on how to treat clients!

As a massage therapist, I saw all KINDS of bodies on my table, and never once made a comment - unless it was in response to something the client asked me. Although I learned my lesson the embarrassing way...I had a client come in for a massage and he was the spitting image of Kelsey Grammar, the guy who played Frazier. I mean, down to the receding hairline and the eyeglasses. However, when I pulled the sheet back to start working on his back, he was totally ripped! I was so surprised I gasped and made some sort of idiotic comment on what good shape he was in. He admitted he was a part time body builder.

After that, I made sure I kept my mouth WELDED shut whenever working on a new client.

Kill her, Rachell. I swear to the God in Whom I Don't Believe, do her a favor and kill her. As ugly as she is inside, she would be happier dead. So would everyone else.

Wow. First off, I totally hate it when people call attention to what or how much I'm eating. Hey, guess what, I'm a woman and society has pretty much beat it into me to think about calories and fatness and what all every time I eat. If I'm eating something (and I DON'T SHARE fruit pizza, that's for sure) I've certainly weighed (ha ha) the pros and cons of it and will likely not be eating several other things in the future to account for it. Sometimes my spouse teases me about food (and he's rail thin) and that hurts too, even though I know he doesn't mean anything by it. If I were you BoL, I would have done exactly what you did. That man has no business commenting on what you eat, other than to be glad you're patronizing his business.

Rachell that is an appalling story. What a horrible horrible person.

Rachell,that is one of the most offensive customer service stories I've ever heard! I don't careif you are Jabba the Hutt NO ONE should say such a horrible thing!

Rachell, I would have told that woman that it's a surprise she can get anyone to sleep with HER with as big of a douchebag as she is. That's inexcusable, ESPECIALLY in the service industry.

BoL - Dude was a fuckhead. With issues about his manhood. Secure men don't try to make someone feel bad about themselves.

Okay, y'all, if you don't already know, I'm fat. Not chubby, not plump. I'm fat. I am also a fat-rights activist and have a body-positive blog where I and my co-blogger write about our struggles to be healthy and not hate ourselves in a thin-centric world. (And if I do say so myself, we do okay. We got a shout-out in the NYTimes a few months ago) I also think that it's a HUGE GIANT feminist issue that we have to tie up so much of our self esteem into the size of our pants. Men can be fat (the "normal-looking" range for men's weight is MUCH higher...for example my husband is 5'8" and weighs 200lbs. No one on the street would call him fat, but they'd do the same for a woman of the same height and weight.), and not have the shame heaped all over them as much as women do (unfortunately, that's changing, and more men than ever are becoming bulimic and anorexic. It's particularly bad in the body-conscious segments of the gay community.)

Three years ago, someone could have called me fat, and I would have slunk away quietly, filled with shame. Now, I can see that it's their own insecurities that make them want to go after me, because I'm an easy target. Usually, if you go after THEM, they don't know how to handle it. A few months ago, I was outside looking for my dog, and some drunken idiots decided they wanted to moo at me. I walked up to them and said, "Hey, are you trying to tell me I'm fat?" *uncomfortable silence* "Oh, my gosh! Thank you SO MUCH! I didn't know I was fat until just now! I'm going to run home and go on a diet immediately! And I'll lose lots of weight! But y'all will still be douchebags." And I walked off, and it felt SO GOOD.

Honestly, y'all, I don't stand up for myself very much EXCEPT when it comes to people calling me fat. I'm not lazy, I'm not dirty, I'm not selfish, I'm just fat. I don't smell like cheese, and my vag is squeaky clean. Fat shouldn't have the judgment and shame attached to it that it does, and hopefully if people like us teach our kids that everyone comes in a different package and we all need to eat healthy and exercise and be as healthy as we can, the way the package looks on the outside shouldn't matter, maybe we can help get rid of the ignorance in the world.

Poop, The third paragraph starts my soapbox, y'all. Sorry for the ranting.

Thanks for making me feel even worse about the human race than I did already, everyone: these tales of judgement are truly awful. Nobody here has overreacted to the extreme rudeness of people.

When I was obviously pregnant I was at a diner to indulge in a burger and fries craving, which required Coca-Cola - a very rare treat for me. So I asked for one, and they gave me a diet one. When I told them I couldn't have a diet one and wanted a real one anyway, they said "Oh I thought you were trying to watch your weight what with being pregnant." WTF??

But DB, we're restoring your faith in humanity because we're all so nice!

Ellie - you have a blog? I wanna read it!

Speaking of blogs by our zaftig sisters, have you all ever read Manolo for the Big Girl? It's fab.

I used to be extraordinarily thin. I was, however, healthy. 5'5 and 95 lbs isn't average, but it was peachy for me. Strangers had no problem informing me that I needed to eat and that puking my meal up was bad - I had NO eating disorders at all. I actually asked a few people if they would feel better about themselves if I were overweight.

Wow. Just wow. I agree. No one here has overreacted. I wish I had the guts to react "Ellie Style". I've been lucky (?) that I don't have these stories to share (recently). I struggle every day with my body image and I feel fiercely that my daughter (or son) won't inherit the issues I have from me.

We are all Hot Mamas!!! Seriously, I think OS attracts the "creme de la creme" of hotness.

Yeah Ellie, link to the blog!

I agree, reactions here from BoL and Rachell are completely not overreacting. I am totally in shock that people feel they can say shit like that.

BoL, I echo what everyone else said. You didn't overreact. That guy was being a jerk, and you called him on it. Good work.

Rachell, that's horrible! I'm absolutely stunned that anyone would think that would be an okay thing to say to another person. Just stunned.

And go Ellie! Whenever people are rude around me I get all tongue tied. I WISH I were better at thinking on my feet.

One time I went out to dinner at a fairly nice restaurant that had basically nothing in the way of vegetarian food. But the rest of my friends had wanted to go there, so that's cool. I did my usual thing and ordered an appetizer and a salad, and the server made fun of me. He said something like, "Geez, is that all you're going to eat? We HAVE other food, you know!" with a sneer. I said, "No thank you." and he rolled his eyes and started muttering under his breath. That wasn't a comment on my body or anything, but it was very rude, all the same. I still refuse to go back there. I guess they're not losing a lot of money on me, but they sure are on my friends. I just feel like it's a matter of principle. I'm not going to pay money to go get made fun of.

What's with these people?!? Are these people moonlighting as Chief Habadasher at the Ass Hattery?

SL - I'm totally stealing that. Chief Habadasher. That is awesome.

Mamawho - We're on the fatosphere feed (goddess help us, that's what we fat bloggers call it) and Kate Harding's Shapely Prose is great, as well as Joy Nash. This video of Joy's is phenomenal:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyQ_IKkAM9I

Ylime - It's so important to me to try to deal with my body issues in a healthy way so that I can tell my kids, Katie especially, that they really need to be proud of themselves and confident in their skin, no matter what size clothes they wear.

*back on soapbox* OUR CLOTHING SIZE DOES NOT DEFINE US. It's just a number, and shouldn't be viewed as a defining characteristic or measure of our worth. I have brown hair (well, when I'm not coloring it) and grey eyes. I am also fat. No one would think less of me for having grey eyes, why does the size of my ass invoke such judgement? It shouldn't *end soapbox*

It's www.fatgrrl.com My co-blogger, and the blog's founder, is Morgan. Posts written by me are signed, hers are not. She's been interviewed several times and was on Fox's morning show a few months ago. She rules and I adore her lots and lots.

PS: My HTML-fu is weak. Sorry.

Good God in heaven. I'm not even sure what I would have done, but you did not overreact BoL. I'm so, so sorry you had to deal with that. I'm sending you a big ol' virtual hug.

And Rachell - I agree that that is about the worst thing I have ever heard. I think I probably would have slapped her - seriously. I have to accent to revert to when I get pissed but sometimes I do just react without even thinking. Ooh what a bitch - it's pissing me off just thinking about it. Hugs to you as well.

Yeah - my body image in in the toilet - actually, by now, it's probably in the sewer. I hate that we are judged so harshly for our size.

WOW Rachell, that's downright disgusting. I can only hope that her shallowness bites her in the end. HARD. How funny would it have been if the manager had frogmarched the bitch to your front door and made her apologise in person. I know that you probably never want to see the douche again, but the cow deserves some humiliation.

You guys rule, have i said that before? Recently?

I haven't always been fat, i was VEERRRRY skinny in my early-mid twenties. And when i'm working on it, i am lean and muscly, quite easily. But right now, i'm breastfeeding so can't do all that much about losing weight just yet, i am primary carer of a 9mth old baby, i've got pregnancy pounds all over me... I'm pretty much trapped until she weans (and i am NOT weaning her early just so i can wear cooler clothes).

I wish i'd had Ellie's presence of mind too... all i was doing was trying to make it clear to him that i was NOT there for his entertainment. What i should have been doing is humiliating him in return. Would have been so easy too, he had a nose like a cartoon witch.

Julia, that guy needs a lesson in manners. And appropriateness. And classes on "shutting the fuck up". I mean, when you're a paying customer, isn't the point to be able to order whatever the hell you want? (Or not, as the case may be.) I've sat in restaurants and ordered three oysters and a glass of wine before, fuck them for thinking i'm wasting their time, it's all i want some days. But my reasons for what i eat or don't eat shouldn't be up for public discussion.

Not its BUSINESS, preciousssss.

Rachell, that is abhorrent. Completely and utterly unacceptable. I really hope she at least got a serious reprimand for that, if not lost the job completely.

And Bol and mamawho, I was the exact same way. I'm 5'10" and when I was in high school, I weighed 120 lbs. When I got married, I was 140 lbs. I got 'anorexic' comments all the damn time. I didn't have an eating disorder at all, it's just how the women in my family are--skinny until we reproduce, then we sprout boobs and asses and get, at minimum, chubby.

Now I'm 195 lbs, which for my height isn't obese or anything, but I'm certainly not even close to being thin anymore. I am, in fact, quite a bit chubby. And honestly, except for the 'mom stomach', which I hate, I don't mind my size too much. I would like to be in better shape and less jiggly, though, but alas, I'm too lazy to put in the work that that would require.