Sometimes I feel like I am so hard on Girl Grey. It's like I forget that she's only 5. She's still such a baby. She's so smart and so capable and I lose a grasp on the fact that she is so young.

My biggest problem is that I have no patience. When she makes mistakes, I can't seem to understand that she makes these mistakes because she's five. Yeah, she has a great attention span, but SHE'S FIVE. Why can't I keep things in perspective? I'm afraid that every time I tell her to pay attention or to think it out that I'm eroding her self-confidence. It makes me feel like shit. And it probably should.

Earl Grey is just as hard on her and maybe more so. And more consistently so. But, he has more patience when he's trying to help her learn something new (like tying her shoe--something I can't help her with because I'm like "Why don't you get it?!?!"). I feel like I'm a sweet, loving mama one minute and then a hard-ass, bitchy, maybe even mean mom the next.

My mother must be picking up on this because she sent me two books: Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting and Buddhism for Mothers: A Calm Approach to Caring for Yourself and Your Children. I'm about a third of the way through the first one. It has some good stuff in it that I need to incorporate into my everyday parenting, though I don't agree with all of it.

I'm never going to be the kind of mother who is okay with her kids doing whatever they want, yada yada yada--letting them set the rules. Girl Grey is very smart, very talented and like all parents, I want her to make the most of herself. How do I do this while preserving her self-confidence even when she needs encouraging to go on, or to correct something that is incorrect? And in the face of her arguing about everything?

How do I keep it in perspective that she's only five? Especially now that I have a baby and she seems like an adult compared to him? Okay, not really, but she is completely not a baby to me any more. That's sad. It breaks my heart that I can't see her in that light any longer.

Oh Lady Grey, I don't have any inspiring words for you, but I did want to say you're certainly not alone in worrying about this. I definitely feel the same way with my older son. Sometimes I can't believe the mean things that come out of my mouth. And I, too, worry that I'm damaging him. All we can do, I think, is keep being aware of how we're reacting to our children so that we can change our behavior the best we can.

It is sad. Parenting is hard.

Parenting IS hard. I'm in the same boat. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before, but I had a very abusive childhood. My stepmother would throw me pretty constant beatings. I'm not talking spankings, I'm talking throw-the-kid-to-the-ground-and-kick-them kind of things, so I try very hard to never spank angry. I'd rather not spank at all, but I have very hardheaded boys and sometimes it's the only way I can get through to them.

Unfortunately, one of the lasting effects from my childhood is that I have a very short fuse. So I yell. A lot. I feel like it's my very worst parenting habit. I don't call them names, and I'm not nasty to them, but I'm very loud and yelly. I have a hard time staying calm when they're trying to kill each other or are throwing tantrums or being generally horrible (because they're kids and they're supposed to make me nuts while I try to shape them into decent humans) and my first impulse is to yell. Loudly. A lot of the time when the baby is being high-maintenance and someone is whining or tattling or poking the other and it's been a long crappy day and I've been on kid duty with no break for ages I have to take myself outside to calm down because I am really afraid that if I put my hands on them, it'll be with too much force (even to march them to time out) so I have to cool down so that I can actually be the adult in the situation.

It's said that no one can push your buttons like your family, and it's right. Kids can totally play dumb when they want to get out of something, and they're master manipulators from a very early age. They absolutely know what makes you insane, or what prompts an action out of you. The only advice I have is to give YOURSELF a time out when you feel like you're at your breaking point, tell Girl Grey that you are very upset and that you need to calm down, and then you're going to have a talk about behavior X when you get back.

A lot of times when one of the boys goes to the "Endless Time Out" for doing something really horrible (hm, the last instance I can think of is when I saw Alex just cold-cock Taylor for annoying him. Really slapped the heck out of his brother. His brother DESERVED it, granted, but we don't smack each other around in the Ellie house.) is for them to be punished, but it's also for me to calm down.

Good luck. It's hard. Really hard.

Wow, I feel you. Especially today. I am so glad to hear other people feel the same!

We have had a horrible week with the 4 year old. It has been very rough. I have been blowing out with him at least a few times a day. He can be very physical and aggressive so often this ends in some form of restraint. I hate it! I know I am feeding it because I cannot keep my cool. It is so hard, though.

I am also very loud. I tend to yell a lot. I always feel bad afterwards. It takes a bit to remember I am human.

In my situation, I tend to blow out a lot more when I am stressed. I started a new job and things are not going well with Sam's school. These are two BIG stressors for me. I also notice that some of Sam's behaviors are more personal for me.

Good luck! It is normal. I have never met a caring parent that did not worry about this sort of thing.

Man, for a second I thought the title of this post was "ever feel like damaging your kids" and I was thinking, "hell yes."

LG...Since the first moments of my first kid's life, I have been constantly worried that I'm doing something irrevocable to my kids. It's totally normal. There would be a bigger problem if you never even thought about how your actions were effecting your kid.

God yes. I could have written the same thing. I (and my spouse also) am way to hard on my eldest, she gets the brunt of our way-to-high standards and expectations. She also gets the benefit of the lions share of our attention.

And I don't have enough patience. I don't know anyone who does, not that it makes it right.

Lady Grey I have the same problem. I have very little patience for teaching the practical stuff like the tying of shoes.

Mo is almost 6 and is very articulate. I have to remind myself that he's only five and that my expectations are often totally off. I usually take a short Mama Timeout and then simplify what I want from him, whether it's to stop pushing Max or to help me clean up.

I wanted to add that one thing I do that my father, who was very verbally abusive, never did, was apologize to my kids if I know I was wrong. I never apologize for applying appropriate discipline, but I will definitely say I'm sorry for overreacting and being mean. In 42 years I've never, ever heard the words "I'm sorry" cross my father's lips and I do believe that makes a difference. It lets our kids know that we're only human too, and that their feelings of being hurt by our words are valid.

Ellie- I have a very similar background (my step dad beat the hell out of me regularly) and my responses to the kids misbehavior is to yell as well. I try never to put my hands on the kids, I fear that I wont know the line of whats punishment and whats abuse. Last Friday after a very long day of all three of them being awful, I ended up crying the whole drive to my parents house for our visit. I had had it. I was feeling really low. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me...I think I'll go eat worms, kinda low.

I know I need a break from the kids. Being home with them all summer has been a challenge. Things are only going to get more stressful now that our teenager is on summer break. Some days I fantasize about packing my bags and walking out the door. I know in my heart my little ones need their mom-yelling or not, they need and love me. I'm not going anywhere and feel like such an asshole for wanting to be away from them...but jeebus, this is the hardest job I have ever had!

I don't really have any advise-just know that other parents are going through the same shit too. I think, like someone else said, the key is that we continue to strive to do better the next time.

I struggle with this too. I also had a father who has a short fuse and took out his anger and frustration on us physically and verbally. This is how he taught us you deal with your problems, you vent them on somebody smaller than you. I do not want to teach my child this.

One thing that has really helped me has been doing neuro and biofeedback. I started doing it for my migraines, but the counselors (and they're all trained as talk therapist types too, even though we only spend 10 minutes checking in or whatever) and I discussed my short temper and my rigidity in planning and my perfectionism and we have been working on that too. Although I still lose my patience more than I should, it has helped me remember to breathe, to relax my body, and has helped my brain slow down the bad waves.

I imagine it's only going to get harder as he gets older and I forget that even though he seems big he's still little (like you describe). So I'm glad I'm doing the feedback training now, because I don't want my child to grow up scared of me.

All the freakin' time. I'm in (roughly) the same boat with Ellie and sasychica - that is my mom would go all crazy on us and just grab whatever was closest and start hitting us with it. I lived in fear of her for a good portion of my life, and that made me not trust her. I never told her anything, never confided in her, never asked for her advice. I don't want my kids to feel like that.

But I'm the sole caregiver for them about 95% of the time, and although I strive to be perfect for that 95%, I KNOW I fall short. Painfully short. But what am I supposed to do...give up?

I think any parent who doesn't worry about this is too rigid and self-absorbed to be a good parent...or lying.

Like Ruth I'm big on apologizing when I go over the top. My problem is mixing stubborn, smart kids with my own controlling personality. When they do something wrong its not enough for them to stop, or even apologize - something pushes me to push them until they feel bad "enough". I never lay a hand on them, but I find myself crossing into "mean" far more often then I like to admit. I try hard to talk to both boys when that happens. I want them to know that having a temper and skill with sarcasm doesn't give you permission to hurt people.

I have a short fuse and yell a lot but there doesn't seem a lot I can do about it. I guess one can TRY not to yell but mainly try not to be so hard on yourself.

When DON"T I feel like I am damaging her?!?!?!? Am I doing too much for her? Not enough? Do I let her get away with too much (bedtime bullshit she pulls and I barely deal with) or do I expect too much from her (taking a 2-year-old to time out in a restaruant for standing in a booth). I yell at her whe she does things that are intentionally out of line- like when wshe peed in my bed and when I asked why, she replied, "Becuause I feel like being a lazy little girl today." I don't swear at her usually and if I do it's just "damnit". I have a friend who screams the f-word at her 8 year old and I can't stand it.

I think that we are all damaging our children no matter what we do to them. I was thinking about it today, no matter who I speak with, people feel generally screwed up by their parents. If we suck, they missed out on perfectness and if we're perfect, they never learn to deal with suckyness. I know that is an oversimplification, but it's usually true. There are some well adjusted folks who don't feel screwed up by their upbringing. I'm not one of them and as much as I hope she is, I doubt my daughter will be. Damnit.

Well, I think there's dysfunctional and there's dysfunctional-but-GOOD-dysfunctional. After I moved in with my Aunt, I found that a family could be weird and quirky and have fights, but that it could still have an overall goodness to it. What I'm aiming for with my family is "we're weird, but we love each other, and we may not be perfect and we may not always get along, but we'll stick together and deal with whatever life throws at us."

I think people have high expectations on a first born, and if they are the same-sex child, even higher because despite all of our training not to, there is a tendency to see this child as a continuation of ourselves.

Understand yourself.
Forgive yourself.
Love yourself.
Love her.

Also, this may be less conventional than what others say, but accept that in the short term, you will be patience deprived, and try to find ways to compensate.

If she sees you recover, and still love her as well yourself - she'll have a reasonable role model.

Another reason to give yourself a break - you've had a very stress-filled month or two. You're not at 100% - it took a toll on your body which means also your mind.

It's OK. We think you're pretty cool.

So, prime example here: I was nursing Baby Grey to sleep in his room and Girl Grey was reading with her dad in her bed. She has a loose tooth that is driving her nuts and she wants it out, partially because she really wants the tooth fairy to come and partly because she can't eat well because biting into anything hurts. But, the darn tooth is just not quite ready yet. So, Earl Grey finished book time and left her room and she started whining which gradually progressed into quiet crying which then progressed into loud crying. By the time Earl Grey went up to her room she was just about throwing a temper tantrum (she also went to sleep at 11:30 pm last night, so I'm sure this was part of it).

I spent that entire 20 minutes trying to keep calm and remain sympathetic, all while crossing my fingers that Baby Grey stays asleep (I have to hold him upright for 20-30 minutes after each feeding due to his reflux) and that she's acting out a little, but maybe she needs cuddle time and whatnot. But fuck it! By the time she's throwing her little tantrum, she'd woken up Baby Grey and I started yelling, further waking up Baby Grey. Then I made her come in his room and gave her major stink eye and yelled at her to knock it off already. Okay, she got the point, but did I let it go? No, because Baby Grey did not go back to sleep. So, I took crying baby into her room, held his poor crying self over Girl Grey in her bed and let him scream in her face for 30 seconds or so, all while I gave her more stink eye. Earl Grey had to escort me out of the room.

I tried so hard to remain calm and understanding at first, but I knew she was trying to get my attention even though she knew I was busy with other child. Augh!!

More damage!

Oh, Lady Grey - the holding the crying baby over the other child is SO something I would do. I have a short fuse and minimal patience, and sometimes expect far too much empathy from my child.

I think the fact that we acknowledge our shortcomings and oddities means the damage to our children will be minimal. :) They know we mean well.

My husband is already beginning his new job, leaving me with the cretin, I mean, my lovely daughter, for two weeks. I evidently sounded so wound up that his mother is coming up tomorrow to wrangle GirlWho while I attempt to pack. I very nearly tested the strength of the packing tape today by taping my daughter to the wall. Maybe tomorrow.

Okay, I know the following is going to sound weird, but for me...it works.

I pretend my life is a movie. Yes, it may be the world's most boring movie, but I pretend anyway. And it works because in my head the imaginary audience ALWAYS roots for the plucky mom trying to deal with the kids. Let me tell you, that imaginary audience has saved my kids' asses on several occasions.

What's the point of having kids if you can't mess them up a bit?

But I completely understand. I worry sometimes that I'm being too hard on the kids, especially N, and I also yell a lot. I don't know if Mr. S worries about these things, but I also worry that he's too hard on N as well.

I lose my temper at stupid things, I have very little patience with them, especially teaching N or trying to get him to stop being so damn lazy and perfectionist and actually use that gigantic brain of his, and I think to myself every day that I hate my children and wish I hadn't had them. And then I feel incredibly guilty for feeling that way, because of course I love them. They just really know how to push my buttons and I tend to react first and think later.

But, I don't hit or spank (unless it's for something incredibly awful and even then it's very rare), I don't call them names, and I do apologize to them if I've been especially bad or if I know that I've been wrong about something, so I think that helps anyway. Or I hope it does.