… and the bitch slapping aftermath.

Ok so El Destructo has a bump behind his ear. It just appeared one day. I held myself back for an entire WEEK to not call the Dr or google it. I finally gave in after a fitful night's sleep. Dr got in him in right away took one look at it and said it's really nothing to worry about… and gave me the jargon on it (that I found on WebMD too by the by) and said "Welp that was easy . Here is your check out form." And walked out of the room.

This is the THIRD time since El D was born that this Dr has dismissed me. I wanted to be like listen F'er this is MY kid and I expect you to attempt to answer my questions and provide reassurance to me. Not to mention that you could of misdiagnosed something?! How about some blood work Oh-healer-of-thy-hands?
My husband thinks I’m a nutball and should calm down…but I've decided to look for another Pedi.

So to the OS Hive Mind… 1) How did you pick your kids doctor? And how to do you deal with them? And what questions do YOU ask? 2) Am I just a an over proctective nutball?

Blurg.

It really doesn't matter if you're an overprotective nut ball. You are concerned and you deserve a doctor who isn't dismissive of those concerns. We went around to all those "meet the doctor" things they hold for expecting parents. We found a practice we liked and considered the doctors in it. We picked one doctor, who we like, though she tends to the opposite of your doctor and gets really worried about things that turn out to be nothing. But we'd rather her be over cautious than ignore us. There is another doctor in the practice that we had once when she was out and Smudge and I had thrush (again) and we LOVED him. But everybody loves him and it's impossible to get appointments. And we didn't love him enough to deal with the wait. We tried another new doctor in the practice who seemed like her interests lined up with us (breastfeeding medicine, worked at a NICU), but she was horrible. So we decided we'd made the right choice.

So after that ramblng, I guess my suggestion would be to find a practice you like with a number of doctors and then try each of them until you find one you like.

I think some people feel comforted by dismissive doctors - if the doctor's not worried, why should they be?

I try to get the same doctor for me and GirlWho. I have a small army of specialists, so I only see the family practice dr. for the sniffles. She and I get sick at the same time. I have had better luck with nurse practicioners and DO's than MDs for family practice. The best doctors she has EVER had were at the Kickapoo (Indian) Clinic in OK.

*sigh* This is where I really lose my temper as well. I'd gone through four ped's in Washington, trying to find one I liked, until I ended up with a really cool nurse practitioner who was willing to work with me on the vaccine schedule thing, who knew I tried to avoid antibiotics like they are the next plague, etc. etc. She was Teh Awesome.

I found a decent ped down here who was willing to work with me, but I just got a letter from her saying she is moving her practice to another city! I did work with another pediatrician in that office who seemed open to discussions and whatnot, so we'll see. Luckily the kids don't need to go very often, as they are relatively healthy little buggers.

We haven't had to see our new doctor yet. Probably wont have to before we move. In Chicago we lucked out with a pretty cool civilian doc at the military hospital. He was very understanding and answered all my questions.

This new one comes highly recommended and we lucked out getting him but we aren't going to need him (touch wood) before October.

I had a GP who just completely stressed me out. She would say things like "do you think you might have a heart murmur?" and then walk out the door? No wonder my blood pressure was sky high whenever I had an appointment! I changed doctor, blood pressure was completely normal. Plus the practice was really sloppy. I got a letter saying that my Pap test was abnormal and I had to come back in for another one (again, high blood pressure!) When I went in, the other doctor that I saw said that they had sent me the wrong letter, it should have been a "we didn't get a good sample so no results" letter. A little bit different!!!

Stick to your guns. There is nothing worse than feeling dismissed when you have concerns. Even if you think I am nuts, at least treat me with a bit of respect!

I just changed pediatricians too because of an entirely unacceptable way of responding to D's (happily falsely, as it turned out) positive lead test. I was pissed off when the office failed to call me back for a full week after I called with questions; I was REALLY pissed off by the pediatrician's dismissive attitude to my concern about my child's apparent lead poisoning when he finally did decide to get in touch. In my opinion, your ability to communicate well with your pediatrician, nurse, or nurse practitioner is just as important as their ability to diagnose your child. If they're not listening to you, or the way they talk to you makes you not listen to them (because they're condescending or hostile or whatever else) then your child doesn't benefit from that relationship.

I found our new pediatrician by asking the mothers in D's playgroup who they loved - and our new doctor is really great, so far. In general, though, I've tended to have better luck with nurse practitioners than MDs for general health stuff - an NPs tend to be less tightly scheduled and a better communicator than the average MD, I think.

When JM and I moved south from RI we left behind all expectations of comfort and sanity at the pediatric clinic. In RI, you see, JM's mother is a nurse on the pediatric floor in the local hospital where we lived. She knows ALL the good pediatricians and none of them would ever take her grandson lightly. Also, the same hospital features about a zillion of JM's uncles, aunts, and in-laws. Among them they have the gauge on every medical facility within 50 miles.

When it came time to pick a pediatrician, we asked JM's mom and she made some recommendations, after which we signed on to a great doctor that treated us well.

In the great suburban expanse of MD, we're out in the cold. For semi-urgent stuff there's a pretty good clinic nearby, but you never get the same doctor twice. Yuck. I'm grateful that we don't often need to take the kids to the doctor, but still...

In your shoes, I would have prefered a "WHY" this is "nothing to worry about". Is it because the lump doesn't change size? Isn't sore, swollen or itchy? Etc. etc. etc Under circumstance under we would reassess? To me, what you described sounds like some kind of cyst, which really is nothing to worry about. But I can understand that you feel your concerns have not been addressed because either you didn't feel the doctor cared enough, or because there wasn't enough dialog from him to explain things.

Having a lot of nurses in the family and doctor/paramedic types in the peer group (I'm the dumb one!) I see both sides maybe a little more than you'd want to hear. *Usually*, if the doctor says "not a big deal" after a quick check, it is. And if you strongly feel it isn't, be prepared to say WHY you think it isn't a big deal.

Being your own advocate is a learned skill, and a valuable one in the doctor/patient relationship. Speak up before dismissing the doctor completely. I have made a lot more headway with my pediatrician by asking clear and simple questions than I did in the first year we saw him. Keep it down to what is important rather than babbling about what you read on WebMD or Dr. Google.

"Why is this not/Is this a concern?"

(if you really need to bring in Dr. Google, try "The symptoms reminded me of an article I read about X. Why do you feel X is not a possibility?")

"Will this resolve on it's own or will we continue to monitor?"

"Under what circumstances do I need to seek treatment/be reassessed?"

"You asked me X, why?" (this would be for the heart murmer question)

The more you stay calm, the more likely they will answer fully instead of defensively. And remember... a calm doctor is a good thing. If the doctor panics, that is not good. But do advocate for yourself... you absolutely have the right to know the details of why they are doing or not doing something.

yeah, we switched pedi's after the one we had (at the little man's 2 week appt) answered my question of whether there's anything available to help with gas with "well, nobody ever died from gas." um, yeah, i know that, but he's also in pain. so: drops? pills? less/more garlic in the breastmilk? he was such an ass.
then we got a really nice lady, who was also very hot. she was great. but then we moved, so now i dunno who we're going to settle down with.

From experience, I say you have to shop around for doctors. We lucked out with Girl Grey's peds in Charlottesville--they were awesome, but I hadn't been so crazy about the practice here in Maryland, although I like the doc that saw Baby Grey in the hospital when he was born and now I exclusively make appointments with him.

It took me a while to find a doc I liked in Charlottesville and ended up seeing a great NP finally. Same with the eye doctors. I never found one I really liked there. I'm pretty happy with all of our doctors here in MD now. Baby Grey's gastroenterologist is my least favorite, but I think he's just quiet. If I ask a lot of questions, he answers them. Now trying to get prescriptions filled through them has been a nightmare, but that a whole different rant.

Keep looking. Don't settle.

I agree with Wookie, you might have to ask more questions of your doctor. I'm sure some people would just like to hear that there is nothing wrong and that would make them happy. We have a great ped, so it helps because I trust him. But we did ask more questions early on. And now we can just listen to what he has to say. And if we have a question, we can just ask and he'll answer.
So, just ask more, it could be that the doc just doesn't think you want to know more.

kommish - you're in Seattle now, right? I'll message you with a recommendation.

Thanks everyone. Really you have no idea how much this helps.

Wookie/Diggy - great advice. I just called the doc and left a message that I have some more questions and would like a call back. I do feel like I have better/more questions after reading the thread and a little distance from the appt.

More background...
I know it may see that b/c of my urm, personality that I could come off really strong, etc. I make an extra effort when it comes to El D to stop and listen. I was attentive and patient when I was at the appt... which is why I think it really chapped my ass. I did ask why. He shrugged and said these things are usually 99.9% not harmful (ie cancer) and aren't a concern unless it becomes infected. He covered the symptoms to watch for… but I still left there not assured or even confident in his information. Which is when I turned to the stupid internet. I have a practice of NOT googling until I talk to the doctor (in most cases). His information was in line with what I found… The rub - He didn't ask me any questions. Or even provide a follow up plan. Or even respond to the fact that I was clearly uncomfortable.

I think that unsatisfactory doctor-patient rapport is contributing enormously to the steadily growing field of holistic and alternative medicine. It's too bad that AMA-approved practitioners can't just tacitly acknowledge that the hefty fee paid by their clientele includes a "niceness" tariff. With the exception of one glowing incompetent GP, I've not had any significant problems in this area, but I've got plenty of friends and relative who report otherwise.

One thing I'm not shy about is asking questions 'til I get my money's worth, including calling back if I think of something else to ask. Honestly--I really m paying enough for the service to expect...well, *service.*

Oh, I had the BEST pediatrician in NoVA, but we had to leave her because the front office staff was incompitent, rude, dismissive, yelled at my crying sick daughter, scheduled a last-minute appointment then told us after we'd waited 2 hours that we were actually just "waiting for the doc to find a couple minutes to squeeze you in, just sit tight", dressed very unprofessionally, talked on their cell phones while i waited at the window to check in, sent me bills when I'd paid, and a bunch of other things.

I hated to leave her, but I mailed her a letter telling her why we were leaving her practice, and wished we could get back in touch if she ever left that office or the staffing changed.

Unfortunately doctors are so pressed for more and more patients that the appointments are geting shorter and shorter. I like that some practices are now instituting an interactive message system for parents that have additional questions that do not need to be answered right on the spot. I need to check if our new ped office has a message system.

We LOVED LOVED LOVED our ped group in Memphis. It was a group of five women pediatricians that were all moms and they were all races and most of them spoke two languages. Our doc was Cuban, so if my husband had to take the kids in, he felt comfortable asking questions because he could do it in Spanish (his English is okay, but he gets flustered sometimes if he can't immediately think of the word he wants ) their office staff was amazing and one nurse in particular seemed really fond of Alex and knew his whole story so she'd dote on him and cover him in stickers and wuv.

Then we came to Houston. Now, my pediatrician is a total dick. I had to pick one out of a hat because we'd been taking the kids to a walk-in clinic for colds (it was a physician group, too, so we could have been regular patients, but we just never filled out the "official" paperwork) and then our insurance changed and didn't cover the clinic anymore and we had to go to Dr Ass.

Katie got thrush and Dr Ass said I was giving her dirty bottles. When I insisted that I didn't and that I threw away formula more than an hour old, he gave me a nice "yeah, right" expression. Then he berated me for not having her shots. I told him that I wanted to put her on a delayed schedule and that she didn't go to daycare, he pretty much told me I was going to give her whooping cough or measles and that measles had disappeared but it was people who didn't vax that were bringing it back. I tried to explain that I wasn't going to NOT vax her, I just wanted to not slam her with all of them at once, and once again he ignored me.

I'll be changing doctors.

ANYWAY - GG, I'd suggest that if you like him and think that you can work it out (heh, it almost sounds like I'm giving you boyfriend advice) tell him that you need a little more explanations and that if he tells you that something you're concerned about is nothing, could he please explain why it's nothing. If you think that that won't work, I'd say just switch doctors.

I think that everyone has their brand of doctor that they like. Some people like the straight-to-the-point-no-nonsense doctor. I prefer warm and fuzzy and hand-holding, and if s/he has a sense of humor, even better. My OB/GYN is the nicest man in the world. Completely vanilla and no sense of humor at all (seriously. I know I'm pretty funny and I'd be giving him comedy gold and he'd just look at me and blink. No sense of humor.) but he was just so nice that I could live without it. I really don't like the cold, no-nonsense demeanor and will switch doctors over it.

Whoa, that was long. Sorry.

I hardly ever go to the Doctors and when I do - it's in and out. I never met one that I really liked.

I had to dump my daughter's pedi at the first visit. I had discussed my issues with vaccines with him on the phone, and let him know that I would NOT be giving all the shots at one time. He was fine with it- assuring me that it was my choice. Fast forward to the first visit, and he told me I had PPD, I need to give her pediarx (vaccines containing more than one shot- more drugs, less shots), and that if I don't lighten up about things I am going to be a "bad mother to her". Fuck that guy. I left in tears, after explaining to him that there was no way that I would give her pediarx even if hell froze over and pigs flew by telling me about it. I explained that althought I understand the difference between anecdotal evidence and scientific studies, I know too many moms whose children stopped interacting with them after shots. Period. end of fucking story.

I love the pedi we have now. She is never dismissive- maybe she should have been a few times b/c I can be a bit over the top with my daughter's health and development, but she isn't. I reccommend her to everyone. I know some people who can't stand her- but she is perfect for me and my daughter so that's all that matters,

Bottom line, GG, dump that doctor for being dismissive & go find a doctor you are happy with. You are paying for a service when you see a doctor. Don't pay for something you are not happy with.

MNM - love the "Teh Awesome"! I had to say it out loud to get it.

I totally agree with Wookie and Diggy. Give it another shot and make sure you are clear with them on your expectation (sounds like you already are doing that). I lost it with an intern who said to me during discharge #5 of 7 "well, this time you be TOTALLY reassured that everything is fine now." I corrected her quickly and bluntly. Sure enough we had two more to go.

The only time I've had to fire a ped is when Meredith had severe anemia when she was 3. I'm talking blue lips and basically passing out from fatigue. Her then ped said "Well, she seems alert and OK....let's just wait.". I walked into the parking lot of his office here in Atlanta, called her hemotologist in Oakland who said "Get thee to the ER!" Bless her heart! Meri was admitted immediately for a blood transfusion. WTF?

My BIL is a ped and he'll be the first to say that it pays to listen to the parents, even if they just have hunches. Sometimes, most times, it's worry over nothing. But you should never be dismissive like that.

Ellie- it sounds like we have similar vax issues. Why can't docs just let us be!?! Don't they make more money if we go back more often for shots? What is their problem?

I'm just here to add my support GG. I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said but I don't think it's being overprotective to at least want some detailed information on WHY you don't need to worry. Doctors are not gods, they make mistakes, and even if he's absolutely right, dismissing your concerns is unacceptable, even if all too common.

So ditch him. I've ditched docs, and ditched my first pediatrician. I'm lucky I have a great one now, in a practice where in an emergency I'm happy to see any of the other doctors except one. Asking people whose judgment you trust, who have similar attitudes and expectations about their doctors, is the best way to go. Good luck!

I looked in my PPO book and found one near me. I might have also asked co-workers and friends who was good in town.

well, like most things, i'm not spoiled for choice here, so i went by (a) who had vacancies (you'd be amazed how few will take new patients - truly.) And (b) by name. We were initially slotted with this lovely chinese doctor, Dr Annie Zhao, she was great. And then she moved to another town several hours away. *sob*. So when the lady told me that on the phone, and asked did I want to be assigned to Dr Neville Somethinglame or Dr Rob Carmouche, I went with Dr Rob, because he sounded French and cool. We have totally never regretted that decision. (He's old and not very French, but he's awesome anyway.)

Our ped was assigned to us based on our health care provider and our ob/gyn. He is Maurice Somethingshort. He is also lovely. Patient, understanding, considerate and supportive. We totally scored every time, really.

In addition, the Ob/gyn was AWESOME, truly awesome, i still have all my abdominal wall thanks to him, he didn't want to cut me, even though baby was facing the wrong way and coming nose first. No caesars if HE can help it. And he does. And our orthopaedic surgeon who did DaD's arthroscope today, he freaking ruled too. (And looks Just. Like. The. Todd. except the bandanna was monochrome.)

And have i mentioned how good our chiropracter is?

For a city with no choice and a shortage on service providers, we have totally done alright.

and PS: GG, if anyone gets a lump on their head for no reason, there's no such thing as "overprotective" in that situation. None. And I'm the calm one about these things - DaD finds ANYTHING on B's body and he's googling it within seconds. it's NORMAL to worry.