(No, this isn’t about church or rabid evangelicals.)

When you find out that you (or your partner) are pregnant, you obviously have to start thinking about how you're going to tell various people. Your parents, your extended family, your boss and coworkers, your various friends and social groups...all presumably have to be dealt with differently. It just makes it more confusing when you know that there are people in any of those groups who are dealing with infertility.

I've been wondering for a long time how to handle this when it comes up someday. Do you tell them first, which might make them seem like they're being singled out? Of course you can't put off telling them until last, even if it seems like it would save both of you at least a little time in pain. They'll look at you differently after you tell them, and you may wish you could just stay the same in their eyes. I've liked the few times I've been told by email or phone--some people might think it's too "impersonal," but I can suck it up and deal with it until I'm done talking and then be free to break down in private. Other people might be insulted if you don't tell them in person. It makes it even harder when people are coworkers or friendly acquaintances who you don't really know well enough to understand what they'd prefer.

I would never want to hurt the people I care about. I know how hard it is to be genuinely happy for someone but still jealous and miserable yourself. What, O Offsprung, would you do?

We may be doing this in the near future if all goes well on our end. We are looking at starting a second and have a set of good friends (they were in our wedding party) who have been trying for a few years and are starting their first round of fertility drugs. They (he especially) really want a kid. Himself has a great time when we go over for dinner.

We will probably consider telling them among the first people after the 3 month point. And we will most likely invite them over to dinner at our house. We thought about taking them out for dinner but then worried about them in a public place. And if we have them over to our house, they can leave whenever. I just want to be able to provide the "out" if they need it.

I know they will be happy for us, and we have talked about our plans for a second for a while, so it won't be a shock but still. I don't want to alienate them because they are good friends. They are not the kind of people who would not speak to us because of it. I understand it may take some time to adjust to the news and I have to be prepared for that and not be hurt on my end.

I'd just try to do it as tactfully as possible. I'd also do it in person, if that is how you normally communicate with them. Sure, they may get a bit jealous/upset/whatever, but that doesn't preclude them also being happy for you. But it also isn't like you can hide it from them, what with getting huge and having a new kid at the end of it.

I went through some similar angst with my last one. I get pregnant ridiculously easily and so within a month of going off the pill, I was knocked up. But I had a couple of friends who were going through fertility treatments at the time and still not getting pregnant, and I was really worried about how they would take my news. Luckily, they were completely wonderful and gracious and not bitter at all about it (at least to my face, who knows what was said in private).

Yeah it seemed everyone around me was getting knocked up. We've been trying for a year and it's not been easy. Now I finally am pregnant and there's a good chance that it's a blighted ovum.

Now there are babies and pregnant women all over the place. It use to really depress me but now I know I'm doing something proactive which will eventually result in a baby and seeing them only makes me more determined.

If it stings I try not to let it show but for the most part I'm genuinely happy for those of my friends and family who are having kids.

I guess it depends on the person and your relationship with them. I agree with ks. Communicating with them the way you normally do makes sense to me.

As someone who has not been able to have children while my friends did, it was tough at times. It was not hard for me to be happy for them and when I was sad, it was only about my loss and not their gain.

I would suggest that you be straightforward and acknowledge that this might be hard for them. That was helpful for me.

From the infertility blogs and whatnot that I've read over the years, it seems the preferred way is in-person and not overly-dramatic.

Definitely not an email saying, "OMG, I'm preggers!!! Isn't it fantastic?! Just 29 wks, 3 days to go!" Not that you would do that.

I have a history of miscarriage (5). I have two children now, but before Older Son was born, and I had had three miscarriages in a row... it was just a very traumatic time. And all around me, friends were finding out they were pregnant. It was just that time in our lives, right? And I was happy for them, and at the same time I was very sad that I wasn't pregnant. But I did rejoice in their news for them.

The worst thing, I think, was to be "protected" from these events. It made me feel like everyone was stepping on eggshells around me. I much preferred to be in the middle of the conversations and not have them stop when I walked through the door. Sure, it sucked to not be the one. But I didn't want to be excluded from the joyful news either.

Now, two children later, I hardly think of that time when I thought I would never have children. But it was definitely a rough time and you are a good friend to consider the way your good news will affect someone else.