So, my birthday is Monday. My mom told my kids that she was going to take them shopping today while I was at work to buy me a present. When it came time to go, my 10 year old FAKED a sore foot so he could get out of going, just because he felt like staying home and playing wii, which, mind you, he's been doing since Monday because camp's over.

I told him that she told me, and that I knew what they were supposed to be shopping for and that I was very hurt that he wouldn't make that effort to help her buy a gift for me. He tried to say that he told my mom what to buy, but I said basically that it's NOT always the thought that counts, that making some effort is part of giving a gift. I went so far as to hint that he was lucky I didn't feel lazy when it came time to buy his birthday present. He expressed remorse (of course) and said "how can I make it up to you" blah blah yada yada. Clearly he still didn't get it because when I said "make me a card" he said "we got you a card." I said "No, YOU didn't get a card, GRANDMOM got me a card."

I'm really pissed. By the time I was ten I was the one reminding my dad to buy my mom something AND helping him pick it out. I've always tried to involve Sam in buying gifts for others and tried to get him to see that giving gifts really is fun, not to mention thoughtful. But I'm pissed and sad.

So how else can I make him feel guilty folks? Because frankly that's what I'm aiming for here, enough guilt so that he internalizes the lesson a bit.

Honestly, I have no idea. But if you come up with something, please let me know. Because I can definitely forsee having that problem with N.

Oh my god. I don't have an answer to your question but I have to say I laughed out loud when I read it. I'm sorry if that wasn't what you were going for. But usually on OS this kind of rant ends more like, "What can I do to help him develop more thoughtfulness?" or "Why am I so pissed? I know he's only 10!"

I just love the way you asked the question. Sometimes a guilt trip really is all that's needed. What a great reminder ;)

Pretend that you are dying, and say that the only thing that could have prevented it is if he would have just gone to get you a present himself.

Did his brother go? Because you could shower your other son with massive adoration, indulgence, whatever and explain to Sam that it's because you realize how much effort his brother made to get you a gift.

Yeah. Praise the kid that did go and emphasize how thoughtful that was and how appreciated that makes you feel and treat the other kid as you would on any other day.

Kathy, it's ok that you laughed! I realize deliberately looking for ways to guilt-trip my kid might sound a little out of the norm here. But I do like yours and McGlory's suggestion and I'm planning to do just that when I get my present.

And Cog, you are clearly the MASTER of guilt! Your comment made me laugh!

Yes, when the emotions are high during your birthday, praise his brother. That'll bring the guilts on.

I had a similar situation with my son one Mother's Day. My 17 year old was being just awful. It was a lot worse then not getting a present. I walked in his room and told him that he was hurting my feelings and that Mother's Day was a time to honor his mother and he was doing just the opposite. I started crying in the middle of my rant. The next year he was a lot more thoughtful... mostly, well he wasn't a jerk.

Kids go through a phase from junior high until... (well I am still waiting for it to end) where they are incapable of thinking about other people. Seriously, it is referred to as transient narcissism. It sounds backwards but if he is being a jerk and only thinking of himself, he is healthy.

However, they do have memories. At least that is what I am holding onto. Which means they should remember peoples reactions. God, I hope so!

I know I'm new to the whole parenting thing, but isn't "selfish kid" a redundancy?

;)

i don't know how to guilt unless there's irish catholic involved.

I believe "Irish Catholic guilt" is also a redundancy...

wookie, if "fallen Irish Catholic" counts, than I'm guilty as charged.

This totally brings me flashbacks of myself as selfish teen and not paying attention to my mother during a mom-centered celebration (my parents' anniversary, in this case) - with me, the indirect guilt trip of her crying and leaving the room was more effective than anything direct, but that probably depends on the sensitivity of the kid.

On the whole, of course, guilt trips tend to be counterproductive since they mostly just make your target avoid you. At least that seems to be the case with most of the seriously guilt-trippy parents I know (looking at you, MIL...)

Among the several books I took out yesterday was _Playful Parenting_. For the problem of selfishness, the Westons suggest the following activities:

-"Unconditional Giving: Every week, come up with a Sharing and Caring project your family or child could do for someone else. These weekly projects could be taking out the garbage for an elderly neighbor, helping a younger sibling study for a test, making cookies for a sick relative, or just scratching a parent's back. Let your child know how unselfish he is for doing these nice things for someone else. Make sure there is no reward but good feeling."

-"In Your Shoes: Collect several pairs of shoes from all family members. Have everyone try on each other's shoes. Ask your child what it's like to be in that specific person's shoes. Take turns trying on everyone's shoes and telling what it must be like to be that person. Role play different situations to show what it is like to be an adult when your child is acting selfishly or being demanding. Show that you understand what it is like to be in your child's shoes when he is asking something form you. State how you think your child feels, and encourage your child to do the same when he is in someone else's shoes."

Ah ha! I knew my child was advanced! At six, she's already in the throes of transient narcissism. (clearly, it's been a rough day.)

Yeah, I agree with lavishing affection on the gift-buying participants.

Be persistent. Even if you succeed in making him feel guilty, is that the *reason* you will want him to remember birthdays in the future? I would imagine that you really want to re-focus him to help him pay attention to others' needs.

But if you want guilt, here's how we do it "Chez Michel". When an injury is being milked, we send the kids to their room with the appropriate drama level and medical attention required. In other words, LOTS of rest, reading, bad soup, and whatever else we can do to nurse the 'injury'.

And you can always point out in front of Grandma AND HIM that you weren't able to get the gift you really wanted to give her because your son's foot was hurt, and you coudn't BEAR to leave him to go shopping while he was literally at death's door.

And of course, NO WII until after the birthday party, or an appropriate gift and card are made - again dial up or down depending on your own needs and situation.

I got confused by some of the details. It's your birthday, not your mom's birthday. But if he balks at your mom's birthday you can use this method.

I hope it's happy,, btw.

Yes, Happy Birthday!

I was also a kid that was very aware of everyone else's birthdays. Actually I still remind my parents about my sister's kid's birthdays because they forget mine most of the time and her kids are several states away so there is no chance they will remember them.

For me what made me feel the worst is when my dad would say that he was 'very disappointed in me" in a way that made it sound like I would never be able to make it up. I would be devastated because it seemed like he would always be disappointed.

I didn't have a brother though and I don't know if it is a guy thing or just certain kids are more sensitive and able to remember that kind of thing. I have a nephew that is super sensitive and I imagine he will be remembering birthdays.

You could not do nice things for him for awhile that he can do on his own like maybe make his lunch or pay for another Wii game because he was unwilling to do something nice for you.

Is this what I have to look forward too in 4 years? Yeah, it probably is knowing Mo.

I think that selfishness in tween/teen years is strictly self preservation. They piss everyone off by "knowing everything" so they are constantly looking out for No. 1 and try to avoid being strangled by parents and sibs.

If he's ont feeling guilty, then he's not feeling guilty. I'd state to him explicitly that the Wii seems to have made him care less about those who should matter most to him, and that he might have to earn it back by showing some more concern for others.

Ooohhh... CPF, I really like that idea. I will have to remember that one.

I say lavish the affection on the gift-giver, and when this one gives you his present you say a brief Thank You and then immediately and in front of him call your mom and lavish affection on her as well.

And I also like CPF's idea.

What CPF said. He's so smart.

Now that I've slept on it, CPF's method is what we've used in the past when television gets in the way of common courtesy, politeness and consideration for others.

I swear my oldest goes deaf and brainless the instant it turns on. Electronics cannot be allowed to override common courtesy.

I think a combo of effusive thank yous for the other gift givers and a conversation about the Wii are definitely in order. Thanks everyone!