I read the end of "The Audacity of Hope today", and the chapter on Family fascinated me. Obama's observations about fatherly guilt were refreshing to read. We always discuss the mommy wars and our personal battles as female parents trying to feel satisfied with the choices we make or the lack of choices we have in our parental roles...but rarely do people talk about the same issues that fathers face.

In light of CPF's post earlier today, reading this was even more interesting. I know when my husband was out of work for 9 months during the first W recession, we battled a lot of ghosts including his horror over being unable to provide for the family, as he had always done since our first child was born. And then we both battled with the juggling of parenthood and work for several years to recover from that period of underemployment after he went back to work.

So you dad's out there, do you feel guilt if you are unable to act as a sole provider? And more importantly to my curious mind did you have a full time father present in your upbringing that makes that feeling even more prevalent? Or perhaps you didn't have a father present which can cause a whole host of difficulties when trying to feel like a parental success.

From the moment I became a father, I've felt pressure to keep the family afloat financially. It's my role to play in my family. I consider myself very lucky to have a job that allows me to support the family while LGB provides the day to day care. I would feel terribly guilty if that were to change.

To your second question, my father was also a sole provider. He worked hard to instill a work ethic that I think helps carry me through my often demanding job. I will probably always feel as if I'm in my father's shadow, but perhaps that's what drives me.

Chunk says - it's all about sacrifices, someone always makes less money that the other. He willing gave up his job so we can move up here for my job (I make a lot more $ here). He says - who cares who the bread winner is. Just as long as he does not have to do the dishes.

Mr. Black was almost finished with law school when he got the job he has now. He's always intended to finish, but as life moves us ahead, that seems less and less likely. Besides, he really enjoys his job. And they offer flex time!

Some people in my life are of the opinion that he somehow owes it to the family to finish his degree and go be a lawyer and make more money. I find that offensive on several levels.

Yes, I am SAHMing right now, but I have an advanced degree and and a ten+ year career under my belt. I have earning potential too. If we really need money urgently, I can get my ass back to work anytime. Why assume I can't help shoulder the responsibility?

Also, as long as we're able to feed and shelter the kids, I think they benefit a lot more from actually spending significant time with their dad (and seeing him in a happy mood) than reaping the financial benefits of a fancier job.

He says he feels no guilt about any of this. Just some occasional frustration that we're not raking in more $$$.

my partner is really proud of the fact that he spent the first 12 weeks at home with the little man, and plans to be at least a part-time SAHD after he gets his degree (in a field that pays a lot less than mine). i know he's felt pressure to support us financially too, though, since he had to go back to a job he hated when that 12 weeks was up so we'd have health insurance and rent this summer. but i don't think he feels any guilt, and i certainly feel the pressure to financially provide.

it's very true in this house

My own father was born dirt poor, and was raised with 4 siblings by a single mother. They were, for many years, one of those "adopt a families" you see at Christmas time in the newspapers. I was born when he was still a teenager. (and I have a surviving older and younger sisters) From that experience he developed a determination to advance himself, and be a better provider for his own family. He did that very well, and although I didnt get to see him as much as I would have liked to because he worked several jobs at a time,I understood why he did it. I think that if he felt guilt, it was very limited, because he was focused on the reality that he had to deal with, there werent options.

In my own parenting, I am shaped, for better and worse by my experience with my father. Fathers work, fathers provide, fathers aren't there alot. I have inherited my fathers work ethic, and the mania for ensuring that my family is provided for. Its never been raised to the level of guilt, because I am completely unable to think otherwise. Its just the way it is.

On balance, I wish I could see things differently, but I cant. I feel unfortunate to be so burdened, but proud to have borne the burden well. So far I have always been able to provide all that was necessary. There isnt any guilt.

I missed a lot of my childrens lives because I was a sailor, but on the other hand, it also meant that for most of my working life, I never worked more than 180 days a year, and had 180 days of vacation to enjoy very close up time with my kids.

The Mrs. makes more than me and that actually makes me feel releived. Man, I wish IE had a spell check like Firefox. Anyway, my dad was a truck driver, so he was the bread winner growing up. I'm not sure where I got my attitude, other than the woman I fell in love with made more than me and I accepted that.
On the flip side of this, when the wife and I discussed me being a SAHD, she said she felt weird about having the responsibility of being the sole bread winner.

DaddyWho's dad has always worked in sales as a national manager or independent rep. The pay can be good - when you have a job. Their family moved every year for nearly 20 years, often with just a few days notice. DaddyWho's mom worked in sales, too. They both still do.

Because of this, DaddyWho pressures himself to provide security and stability for us. He hates that we have moved so much lately, but this new job is a federal job and isn't going anywhere, so he's thrilled.

My health really adds to the pressure. I can't be counted on to be a provider and I need health insurance or my medical expenses would bankrupt us.

Even though his dad's career was bumpy, he was driven not by money alone, but by the desire to support his family. DaddyWho has the same belief, and has turned down much more lucrative jobs because the hours were nuts, or the stress level was crazy, and especially because the jobs didn't mesh with our beliefs -he was offered several "security contractor" jobs in the Middle East.

In every job interview, when asked what his priorities are, he tells them his priority is his family. It's cost him several jobs, I'm sure, but I'm so proud.

Spouse's dad was never home very much when he was small because he was working crazy hours. Spouse loves his dad, very, very much, but is sad about how much time they lost and how hard it is for them to express any kind of emotion to each other (not to mention less than thrilled about having raised his two little brothers- his mom worked crazy hours too). He makes different choices now, like having a job where he can work from home and is taking a slightly more relaxed career path than he could have so that he can be an active and integral part of Smudge's life on a day to day basis.

We're very fortunate because his company is pretty flexible and understanding with emergencies and so forth. It's the best of both worlds. He makes a good living and can take a break during the day to come wrestle with us on the living room floor.

I know if he didn't have us, he could be more of a superstar in his world. But I don't think he's super ambitious anyway.

I don't think AlphaGeek feels guilty about not being here more...we have both accepted the realities of our respective jobs. He makes quintuple what I do and gets benefits, hence I stay at home.

If anything, I'm the one feeling a little guilty lately. I feel like I pressured AG into taking this job (which he says he loves), but it IS keeping him away from home just as much if not more than his previous job. So I kind of feel like it's my fault that he doesn't see the kids as much. I know he doesn't like that aspect of things.

I've been trying to talk to him lately about downgrading our lifestyle so he can take a less high-pressure, travel heavy job, but I don't know that he is real keen on that option either. We're kind of stuck until I can get him to open up a bit more.

I grew up dirt poor, my mom was a single parent of 4, college educated and from an upper middle class family, but she made some poor choices in partners and didn't have any work experience because she was a SAHM for a good 15 years and so when she and my dad seperated she had four kids and no way to support them. Our father never paid a dime of child support, so we stayed with various relatives for a good portion of my childhood, with my mom desperately trying to get teaching jobs (she had a teachers license) but she was always turned down because she had no experience except a few substitute gigs. For a good portion of my childhood we moved every year, we never had a place to call home. As a teenager and young adult I was always working, I always had a job to pay for the things that my mom couldn't afford to provide. Not having a father figure who was a provider I just assumed that I would not be able to count on a man to provide for me, so therefore I better make sure I could provide for myself and any kids I had so I wouldn't end up like my mom. I put myself through 6 years of college and found a job in CA that paid enough that I could support myself and my kids and was flexible enough that I could be home with my kids when necessary and not work crazy hours like many of the other jobs that I interviewed for. Now I'm taking care of my mother as well. At times I resent the burden being all on me and wish that I had someone to share it with, but at the same time you do what you gotta do. I secretly wish I could be a SAHM. One thing my mom definitely taught all four of us, unintentionally was that we had to work hard because we couldn't count on anyone else to help us out.

It is refreshing to know that we aren't alone in the battles we face with ourselves, our pasts, or our partners, over the trade-offs we are either forced to make or choose to make for our kids. These truly are parental issues and not gender issues - I wish more people would consider that. Thanks for sharing everybody - I just love you Offsprungers!

floor pie, thank you. Mr. S's mom has been pressuring him to finish his PhD, do his PE, and go out and get a 'real job'. Except that he likes his job just fine, it's secure, he makes enough to pay the mortgage, utilities, and buy food, we have health insurance, and his job is flexible. We actually get to see him every single day at a reasonable time, he can take time off if something is going on with the boys or me, etc. We'll never be rich (or anything more than barely middle class, for the foreseeable future, until I get a 'real job' myself), but it's enough and we're happy with our lives. But she worries that he doesn't have any ambition to better himself and show off to the rest of the family.

I think that I am the one in our family who feels guilty about this. I do OK. But, I still feel bad that we do not do better than OK.

mamawho, that's disgusting that they can pass over someone who has 'family' as their prime commitment.

What kind of world are we living in?? sound like they want his day, his life and his soul. Corporate world has to grow the hell up.

Bol - Yeah. But his new job is AWESOME! The couple of times his new boss has e-mailed him, he has asked about GirlWho and me by name and even passed along his wife's cell phone number in case we had any questions about school districts (she's a retired teacher). Sweet.

I've meant to post here for over a day now. Before the Girl was born, we were moving to Ylime's small Colorado town, and there just weren't any teaching jobs. I had a hard time thinking of staying at home (an idea that I half-way embrace now); I'd been a teacher my entire sdult life, and I couldn't imagine centering my life around anything else. It was a miserable move.

Ultimately, one job opened, and I jumped in and got it. I hesitate to think of how things would have gone if I hadn't been employed.

In the time since, my perspective and values have changed wildly; now, I see the allure of taking time off to be with Girl and Boy. But in my pre-Dadhood, it was horrifying.

I think Sailor has this in spades. For the first four years of Mo's life Sailor and I scraped from job to job.

I don't know how many times my parents bailed us out and paid our rent. Sailor was working crazy hours at a factory and going to school. I was working three part time jobs and going to school too and we could barely afford out rent and would have to rely on my parents for food money.

Now that Sailor's in the Navy we have a security and stability that we never had before. But now there is the separation guilt. There will always be something that you wish was different.

There certainly will be MttM - and welcome back we missed you while you were moving.