Don't go away mad...just go away.
Don't you hate it when you think a friendship has come to an end? And then that person just keeps coming back, just when you think they are finally gone for good? Yeah, that's been happening to me for the last SEVEN YEARS.
Here is our 20+ year friendship in as condensed a version as I can manage - I become friends with a pair of sisters. Everything is great until we get older and one sister marries a guy that is totally wrong for her, (I didn't exactly hide my feelings on the subject) the other sister ends up marrying an abusive pig who gets her hooked on drugs, beats her and nearly kills her before she ends up leaving. There are various odd things that have gone on - I was supposed to be college roommates with one sister - but she decided to move in with her older brother and DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELL ME! I found out about it when I got my notice in the mail as to who my roommate was for the year. There were also dinner dates that they would cancel with no notice, one sister getting committed to the psyche ward for drug detox, but no one bothering to tell me until months later when I can't figure out why I can't get a hold of her. Their odd snubbing of Little B's birth - they didn't come see him until he was three months old. They both planned on being at the birth of the Little Miss, but one sister I couldn't get a hold of, and the other one blew me off while I was in labor, FOR A GUY. Nice.
Despite all this, we stay friends, mostly. I figure that I won't see the single sister much anymore - we don't have a lot in common and our views are starting to diverge quite a bit. The other sister and I stay in touch by phone a LOT - since we both have kids we have a bunch of commiserating to do. Things seem to be going swimmingly.
Now, I don't recall saying anything to the married sister regarding her parenting before the fight we eventually had. I only ever recall telling her how proud of her I was, and that I thought she was a great mom. One morning, I called to confirm the time on a playdate we had planned for that day. During the call, both my kids and her son were screaming their bloody heads off. I managed to get mine shushed, but her son was clearly unhappy and still yelling. She asked him again to be quiet, but he just kept making noise. She tried talking to me over the noise, but I couldn't hear her very well, and I very stupidly said, "Are you going to let him get away with that?" I heard her take a deep breath, and she said "Umm, no." I KNEW I had pissed her off, but she continued on as if she wasn't mad.
Two hours later when she hadn't shown up, I knew I was being punished. So I called her. She didn't pick up so I left a message, fully acknowledging my assholery and said if she would like an apology in person to call me back. She didn't. After a week I was sad, but felt like if I called again, she would feel like I was stalking her. I waited another week, until I knew it was her anniversary, and I called to wish her a happy one. Again, she didn't pick up and didn't call me back even though I left a message.
So after that, I figured it was done. I didn't bother trying to get a hold of her again and figured the relationship was really over. Then about a year later, she calls me. I was not prepared for the wash of anger that came over me on hearing her voice on my answering machine. I was in the middle of signing for our house in Texas and did not have the time or the emotional resources to deal with this type of situation. I didn't call her back.
When it came time for us to actually begin the moving process, I included them in the mass email I sent out telling everyone we were moving. I got the most bizarre and somewhat disjointed email from the single sister who accidentally hit 'reply all' instead of 'reply to sender' telling me (and consequently all my other friends and family) how much she'll miss me, what I've meant to her over the years, how she tells everyone she knows about me, but she regrets that she just doesn't have time to see me before I leave. I just roll my eyes, and delete the email without replying.
When we have been settled in Texas for a few months, out of the blue, the married sister calls me and talks to me as if NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. I try to get her to address the situation by saying, "look, if I'm being a jerk, just tell me to shut the fuck up." She laughs but still doesn't address it.
And that is the last I have heard from her. I get a random email from the single sister now and then, which I answer as shortly as possible.
Then last night, High Maintenance Sister (my younger sister) calls me to tell me that the married sister has friended her on Facebook! So I go to my computer to see if she sent a request to me, and I'm not surprised to see she hasn't. WTF?!! I'm so annoyed that I totally ream High Maintenance Sister for accepting the request. And then I'm annoyed that I'm annoyed.
The thing is, I just want them to go away. I don't want to deal with them and their persnickety, ultra sensitive psyches anymore. I don't want to be friends with people that require me to walk on eggshells. I don't want to deal with people who are going to give me the cold shoulder for a year, and then act like it never happened.
It feels like they're trying to force me into doing something...and either way it's not going to be good. I don't like being manipulated. It makes me stubborn, angry and bitchy.
So whenever I think about my former friends now, the only thing I want to say to them is what Mario Van Peebles character Stitch Jones in the movie "Heartbreak Ridge" says to Sargeant Webster - "Don't go away angry. Just... just go away. You've been told."
Replies
(34 days ago)
I have been living a situation a lot like this. Short version: platonic female friend for years. LGB comes into the picture and female friend goes about trying to sabotage my relationship. I break up with FF and years go by. We both work in the industry, so every once in a while I bump into her. She acts as if nothing has happened, wants to be invited over to my house to meet the kids (she knows everything about me) and clearly doesn't seem to realize that I want nothing to do with her...even though I ignore her, I don't return her calls and I won't be friends with her on Facebook.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sucks to fight with friends, but especially with ones where there's history and who don't seem to acknowledge that anything happened in the past.
It's a shame you've never had the opportunity to tell this woman how you feel...why you're upset about losing her friendship and these repeated attempts to reconnect. LGB also had a similar situation and she emailed via Facebook her friend and explained why she wasn't going to accept her friendship on FB. It got them talking and they each got closure on the relationship.
(34 days ago)
I have been living a situation a lot like this. Short version: platonic female friend for years. LGB comes into the picture and female friend goes about trying to sabotage my relationship. I break up with FF and years go by. We both work in the industry, so every once in a while I bump into her. She acts as if nothing has happened, wants to be invited over to my house to meet the kids (she knows everything about me) and clearly doesn't seem to realize that I want nothing to do with her...even though I ignore her, I don't return her calls and I won't be friends with her on Facebook.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sucks to fight with friends, but especially with ones where there's history and who don't seem to acknowledge that anything happened in the past.
It's a shame you've never had the opportunity to tell this woman how you feel...why you're upset about losing her friendship and these repeated attempts to reconnect. LGB also had a similar situation and she emailed via Facebook her friend and explained why she wasn't going to accept her friendship on FB. It got them talking and they each got closure on the relationship.
(34 days ago)
I have been living a situation a lot like this. Short version: platonic female friend for years. LGB comes into the picture and female friend goes about trying to sabotage my relationship. I break up with FF and years go by. We both work in the industry, so every once in a while I bump into her. She acts as if nothing has happened, wants to be invited over to my house to meet the kids (she knows everything about me) and clearly doesn't seem to realize that I want nothing to do with her...even though I ignore her, I don't return her calls and I won't be friends with her on Facebook.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sucks to fight with friends, but especially with ones where there's history and who don't seem to acknowledge that anything happened in the past.
It's a shame you've never had the opportunity to tell this woman how you feel...why you're upset about losing her friendship and these repeated attempts to reconnect. LGB also had a similar situation and she emailed via Facebook her friend and explained why she wasn't going to accept her friendship on FB. It got them talking and they each got closure on the relationship.
(34 days ago)
Wow...triple post.
Sorry. My computer just went nuts.
(34 days ago)
What is with the "platonic" female friends that try to sabotage their male friends' relationship? Spouse had one of those too. We still refer to her as "the evil one."
Sounds like you have some evil ones of your own, MNM. I just recommend working hard to maintain zero contact and not to get drawn into the drama. I used to be very attracted to drama filled people and friendships that required a ton of effort and were emotionally fraught. Then I got old and tired and wiser (finally) and discovered friendships with happy stable people were much more satisfying (if, you know, not fodder for Gray's Anatomy or anything). Like GG I'm pretty harsh about it at this point. If you do something amazingly stupidly dramatic and make no attempt to rectify the damage you've caused to your friends and loved ones? I'm not sticking around for the second drama festival.
(34 days ago)
Dr. McG...I refer you to "When Harry Met Sally" for your answer. Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. In this case, the lack of sex I was willing to have with this friend vs. the sex I was having with the woman who was to become my wife.
(34 days ago)
Yeah, I dunno DGB. I have a lot of male friends and always have had. I'm pretty sure we had no interest in each other, and neither of us are gay. That's too simplistic an answer for me. :) Also, people don't have to actually call me Dr. :)
(34 days ago)
McG...I just wanted to acknowledge the "dr" since I haven't congratulated you yet. Congrats!
You're right...it is a too simplistic explination of the male/female dynamic. I do have a lot of female friends. In my particular case, however, there were too things at play 1) she was in love with me and 2) she is bat shit crazy.
Turning back to the thread at hand...I agree that there are people who just thrive on the drama and love to stir things up. In every one of these kinds of stories--either from my own personal experience, or it happening to others--it seems to be the same kind of person who causes all of the drama.
MNM...I agree that you shouldn't get sucked in. But it does sound like some closure may help. But I would not let this woman back in your life. It seems too painful for you.
(34 days ago)
MNM, that's a situation that just sucks. I agree that you're much better off with these women out of your life. No one needs drama and craziness. Try not to get sucked back in.
(34 days ago)
I'm as good as a set of twins. You've got me.
No...I'm not a very good one for ending things. I just let people torture me forever. Breaking up with a friend is in some ways worse than a boyfriend. Bleck.
You're better off without the crazy. You have MY crazy now.
(34 days ago)
i'll be your friend. I know where you're coming from, I have eggshell people too; i hate it - i have as little as possible to do with them. Some i didn't notify when i moved from Melbourne, some i didn't notify when i married, so they can just continue to look for the old-me who no longer exists as far as i'm concerned. Some i have spoken to more recently, but in such a flat/bored/distracted/curt manner i assume they got the message that i have zero time for them.
DaD had a female friend when we got together, she actually threatened to leave her husband, if he didn't cut off all associations with us, once DaD and I were a couple. She was fucking crazy. It's not like she was into DaD, i think she just wanted some kind of power over him, and when i stepped in, she lost that, and was doing whatever she could think of to be relevant or important or something, even if it was absurdly destructive. (Anyway, 5 years later, DaD and I are still together, and she left her husband last June, or so i heard.) Women are generally unstable crazies. I blame nail polish fumes.
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Oh MNM. Some times the oldest of friendships are the most complicated and annoying...and frankly the ones not always worth it.
Take this with a grain of salt b/c well I'm not exactly known for my outstanding friendships. I have not patience for bullshit. Although my bff and I have been friends for a decade. And we let each other get away with all sorts of shit... i digress.
what i did to purge myself of some toxic friends... I spoke my truth to them... once in a phone call and another time in an email. I then I blocked their calls, etc going forward or simply deleted them. I made a choice to move on... there are days I still think about them and what we lived through together. I'm sad a little still(more than 5 yrs later) but I know that my life is more sound w/o them.
All that to say...ugh I know it sucks! I'm sorry.