oh dear...

Fuck him.

And not in the happy fun way, either.

At the end of the October relocation hearing, the judge pretty much came right out and said that she was looking to see my ex-husband take more of an interest in spending time with the boys. The implication was pretty clear: that if he started spending more time with them, she'd be that much more inclined to deny my petition to relocate.

That sucks on so many levels of course. It seems pretty fucking prejudicial for her to essentially tell him what he needed to do to get the outcome he wants, and it's also pretty unfair that she'd base her decision on his behavior between October and next April, when he's being forced by a judge to see them more, rather than looking at the past SIX YEARS in which I had to beg him to see them at all.

So today I get a copy of a letter his lawyer sent to mine, naturally, proposing that since "the judge seemed to indicate an interest in [him] having additional custody of the children" he's proposing taking them for 2 weeknights every two weeks in addition to the weekend he now takes them.

Again, keep in mind that I've offered and then pleaded with him to take them for overnights, and had to bargain away some alimony for him to even take them every other weekend. It seems to me that I'm sort of screwed no matter what I do here, but I'm very much inclined to say "fuck you" to this proposal. Obviously I'll talk to my lawyer, but what do you all think?

And can I just say yet again how much this sucks?

See? I knew I could count on my peeps for commiseration!

He's a bastard. I don't know that there is really anything you are going to be able to do about this, since you seem to have a stupid judge who is biased in his favor, but definitely talk to the lawyer.

Ummmm, I know a guy, who for a certain amount of money...

No really, I have no idea what to tell you. I think that judge is full of shit and it's like she's fucking with you on purpose. I wish you could just get a new one.

What a dick. What a fuck of a judge. Why is our family court system so fucked?

Sorry to hear it Ruth. I really hope it works out for you. I don't really have any advice, but maybe if you make it look like you'll be super supportive of him seeing them, they judge will be more likely to let you move- knowing how hard you'll work to maintain the relationship with dad. How far away will you be from the ex?

He's a total asshole. But, regardless of the circumstances under which he's spending more time with his kids- is it good that he's spending more time with his kids?

MNM, if that offer were genuine I'd be SO tempted, but they always look at the ex-wife first. :)

hotmama, I want to move from Philadelphia to the Boston area. The kids currently see their dad every other weekend for 2 nights. I'm proposing one 3-day weekend a month, 3 week-long vacations during Christmas, February and spring breaks, and as much as 8 weeks in the summer if he wants that. He'd only be losing a few hours a week that he sees them after dinner on Monday and Thursday.

And mcglory, I don't know. Maybe it would be good in the long run, but when I've been pleading with him to see them more and he's only taken an interest now that I want to get on with my life, I'm inclined to think that waiting 5 more months for a final decision before I agree to anything isn't going to hurt the boys. They're used to the current situation. And I've put myself last most of my life, including the 14 years I was married to him. I have to think that doing something that will hopefully make me very happy will ultimately be good for the kids as well as me. Because I'm fucking miserable now.

I have nothing to add, except to say, sorry to hear about that.

I say we staple him to his sofa and cover him in a light coating of syrup then dump agitated red ants over him. As the pièce de résistance we light the house aflame on our way out.

Spending more time with your kids as way to manipulate/fuck with someone else is never good. I'm pretty sure this guy is the kind of ass-hat that will go back to doing less than nothing if he gets a judgment in his favor. I speak from experience when I say a kid is better off with only one good dedicated parent rather than one good parent and one inconsistent selfish fucktard parent.

With what you proposed he'd be seeing the kids a lot. He's spending a lot of money on a lawyer just to get his way and fuck with you. The douche bag!

i know i'm new around here, but fuck him! you've been raising those kids all these years, and have proposed a very generous offer. if a move to boston is what you think is best, and his sorry ass hasn't been around all this time, then he can take what you give him and like it! i can't stand all this hokey hand wringing court crap. he's had six years to show his colors, why does he get another shot now? it's not like you're moving to the moon or otherwise forbidding contact.

How about if you tell him that he can have as much access as he wants - but you will not call him to ask when he want to see them. If he gives you x days notice you will do your best to accommodate him. On the other hand, you will be happy to let him know (by email to keep a "paper" trail) about every parent conference and home/school meeting at night and class party and team practice.

You keep track of every event he misses and how many you notified him of.

My bet is his innate ass-holery and laziness will prove your point nicely.

(welcome to the commune, Conchy Mum - I think you are our first Bahamanian...is that how you spell that?)

thanks JM. We are Bahamians. bah HAY mee unz.

I can say it but had an aluminuminum moment!

I approach all custody issues with this philosophy -- "give him enough rope to hang himself". Agree to the visits. One of two things will happen: 1) He follows through and that benefits the kids, or 2) He doesn't follow through and you have a great story to tell the judge.

If you don't agree to it, then you come out looking like you are restricting his visitation, and he'll be all over telling the judge that.

And let me just add to that ... I know he's an ass. I know he doens't probably deserve any consideration. But unfortunately in a child support action, its all about how you play the game.

Oooh... The Bahamas! Welcome, Conchy Mum. I may need to move in June with no real direction on where to go. How's The Bahamas?

Firstly, definitely listen to the lawyer. Secondly, I'm with the rope to hang himself approach. Try not to make it regimented, because that will be easier for him to follow. Go with something like Joe Mama said and let him organise his days himself, however you want to set that up.

As for the judge, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she's just saying that to even be in the running to be a parent, he has to spend more time with them. And it means that she's acknowledging that he does not spend enough time with the kids now. If she's acknowledging that knows, she's not going to forget.

Welcome conchy mum! And a give you a hearty 2nd. I'm mystified that the last 6 yrs don't count?

And all my peeps already used my favorite sayings so I'll just the gold standar - what a fucking asshat.

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said but that totally blows. I can't believe the judge would say something like that. Can you get her changed based on prejudicial comments?

Ex husband sounds like a jackass (which is why he is an EX!) And seriously, if he wasn't seeing them all that much to begin with, Philadephia from Boston isn't that far. It's not like you are moving them to California! Jerk.

JM, I had a teacher who used to call it "banananana syndrome." And welcome conchy mum! Thanks for the support.

I'll talk to my lawyer about the "rope to hang himself" thing but he'll never go for that. Everything has to be scheduled way in advance. He never, ever does anything spontaneously with or for the boys, like if one of them is sick or something. His work is always his excuse. So he's proposing a set schedule and if I say OK to that, he'll follow it. He's an asshole but he's not stupid. Unfortunately.

it's awesome. people say "good afternoon" when they pass by or when entering a room... we have "the friendly honk", so people know when they're being let in etc... people here are practical and familiar. the government isn't so scary. there's no income tax, so the government is kinda poor (and also corrupt, but in a pretty functional way). as a result, they have to prioritize their interventions (and imprisonments - they jail is horrendous, so the only ones who get sent there are violent offenders or major drug traffickers). on the flip-side, we just now got our first chemotherapy and radiation cancer treatment center and a friend of mine had the ER fail to diagnose a broken femur. a femur! there is a huge gap between the haves and the have-nots. there is large expat population that is the epitome of all rich-assholeness. but because these problems are so immediate and broad and truly do affect all of us every day, people are never in denial about them. They're never indignant at death, or ungrateful for good health or good fortune. Bahamians are forgiving of one another, and deeply committed to their families. People protested the government's decision to allow the grocery store to stay open until 3pm on sundays because it would interfere with worship and family time, and make people feel obligated to skip church (and the subsequent family and neighborhood cookouts) to go to work or else lose their job to someone who would.
I don't know what things cost in the States (been here a while), but the big box of Cheerios is $5.99 and I pay $4.70/g for gas, down from $5.49/g a few months ago.
and there's no target or walmart or anything, and we just got Starbucks about 1.5y ago.
i love it anyway, most of the time.

conchy - don't hesitate to laugh at the US-centric craziness on Offsprung, it will help keep us honest and BoL, DaD and our Canadians will appreciate the help!

Conchy, while that sounds lovely, I just looked at rental prices and between that and the price of cheerios it seems a bit insane.

oh i laugh. i laugh long and hard. what else is there to do about it? in other trivia, i'm often mistaken for canadian due to the "eh?" at the end of nearly everything i say. "pretty hot, eh?" unlike some others i know, i did not take the opportunity to pass as canadian during the very worst of the bush years.

You know what I fucking hate? People who want to fuck over their ex because it gives them jollies. If he really wants to see the kids, then he will see the kids - it doesn't matter where you live. I mean kids are only in our control for 18 years - and speaking as a mother of a ten year old, that time FLIES by. Why do people want to fuck up their ex's life just because it makes it harder for them to spend time that they already are NOT spending with their kids?

I think he just wants to be an ass hole and have all of the fun he wants while playing the part of daddy whenever the mood strikes, while forcing you to put your life on hold for as long as it takes.

I know divorce sucks for all parties involved, but often the different lives can make everybody involved so much better off. I had very little contact with my father growing up and now, I have a brilliant relationship with him - because he has matured, he now wants to actively work at the relationship, and I truly understand why he and my mom couldn't be together and he had to do the right thing and give her her damn space so they could both thrive.

OK, I'm off my rant now. Freakin ass hole pissing me off and making me want to punch him in the nose!

I've got an idea. How's about you and your lawyer propose that in accordance with his newfound interest in spending time with the boys, he can have them for 150% of the time he spent with them in the past 6 years.

He sucks! The situation sucks! It's not fair and he's being a real dick about it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

One thing though, I kind of have to agree with DaD. In most cases, the courts are required to bend over backward to keep kids with their parents (either via custody or visitation). Even in cases of abuse, the courts will try to get the children back home if the parents show they are no longer abusive. In this case, they view it in the kids best interest to stay near him if it means they will spend more time with him. And crappy as it is, the courts can never look at the best interest of the parents alone - only as it relates to the best interest of the kids.

I'm not saying I agree with this thinking, just that it's possible the judge is doing what she is required to do. Or not. She could be an asshat as well. Either way, I'll jump on the bandwagon of the hanging rope. Good luck my dear. You know I'm pulling for you.

holy shit. this sounds way complicated and sucky. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. If I were on the east coast I would offer my...uh...asshole removal services to you.

I've never had to deal with anything like this, so I don't really have anything intelligent to add other than to offer my sympathies.

How do your boys feel about all this?

I'm so sorry, Ruth - you're dealing with some seriously heavy shit there.

What to me is especially awful about the family court system is that it is not doing what we need it to do - truly mediate between the individuals present to get to everyone's best interests. We turn to the courts to end an adversary situation that we can't handle on our own, and they turn the adversariness up even more.

In a perfect world, your asshole ex would be able to truly comprehend that it is important for your happiness - and therefore, your kids' happiness - that you be able to move. There wouldn't be a court fight because you'd be able to work it out with him. Does he not want you to move because he's still punishing you? Or does he have some other motive?

Although he is clearly an asshole and you shouldn't have to do it, you might find that you ultimately have the best potential to figure out what his issue is and find a way to help him work it out. If I were in your shoes, that would mean therapy for me to figure out why he's acting the way he is and what I needed to do to defuse it, in this situation, so I could go ahead and get what I wanted most. Your trying to understand the situation doesn't take away from his assholeness, but it might help you get him to let you move away.

Cog, thanks for the offer!

Thanks everyone for the suggestions and support. I'm sort of trying your suggestion already, mutter, of working in my own therapy to figure out how I might be able to defuse things. It's hard because I feel threatened in a lot of ways by him, emotionally and once or twice since we separated physically, and I just can't approach him one on one anymore about anything. But he won't agree to mediation, which I've suggested several times.

Some states mandate mediation. I wish PA was one of them. But mediation here has to be agreed up on by both parties. That's how my BF handled his divorce and it worked beautifully, but both he and his ex-wife were completely committed to the process. When one person digs in his (or her) heels there's not much to be done, sadly.

Also Sadie, thanks for the rant, and for helping me, with your perspective, to keep believing that it's ok for me to want to do this and be happy.

If you want to fly me out, I'll deal with it personally. Seriously. Since I'm a bit asshole-ish I tend to deal with other assholes very well. Rarely do I need to get violence involved, but I love a good stabbing or knee bashing with a hammer. Yes, I advocate violence. Probably because I play violent video games and like violent movies.

Ruth, I really do wish there was something I could do to help. I only know you through this site, but for some reason, you seem to get me, and I seem to get you. I have a feeling if we could meet each other in person we would be good friends. I hate seeing people go through shit like you are having to, and I hate it even more when there is nothing I can really do about it but say "that sucks taint".

My offer still stands. I'll even go so far as to ether him and dump a bunch of super glue up his ass.